The Inner Ramblings of the Mildly Deranged

Rolling in the Deep

2011-12-29T22:47:00.002-06:00

Today was my only day off this week, by choice. I took overtime yesterday which was totally worth it, I got paid to go ice skating! Today I slept til 12, had pancakes for breakfast/lunch, then laid around for a few hours. I let my brain get the best of me and had to run away from my house this evening. I thank God everyday for my amazing friends.

I've had a lot on my mind for the past few months and the past few weeks have really compounded it all and basically I'm having a giant brain meltdown. I shot my friend Annie a text and ended up in town with her and Kalyn accompanying them on the quest for the perfect NYE outfit and a yummy dinner of Panera Bread (which just opened up a few days ago).

They were total life savers and let me vent for a few hours and managed to provide support while also making me think. Basically, my brain is in pain and I'm trying to make sense of everything I'm thinking and feeling without having a nervous breakdown. The only thing that has made me okay is listening to various Adele remixes on loop, including Lil Wayne "Sorry 4 the Wait" and the Childish Gambino remix of "Rolling in the Deep" and then the uber depressing "Something" by Bambu which makes me cry.

This post is vague and confusing and I do apologize but I just can't talk about it all yet.

Trying Really Hard Not to Be a Bitter Hag

2010-09-14T23:56:00.003-05:00

Okay...I'm just going to forewarn you that this post is going to be a little negative...okay, mostly negative. It's not that I'm an ungrateful person or that I hate life, it's just that right now, at this very moment, I do in fact hate my life. I've always been the person to look on the bright side, find the positive in dark situations and always pick myself up and fight my way back to the top. I've always worked incredibly hard, pleased everyone and put on a brave face but right now I'm going to cry, bitch, moan and complain and throw myself a little pity party, with profanity. This has been your warning, you may turn back now if you so choose. Let it be known that you were given fair warning and also that I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, I just feel sorry for myself right now. No worries, give me a week or two and I'll be back to myself. Anyway, I digress:

Reason # 1 That Life Sucks:
I hate my job. This is no shocker, as I've hated my job for the past 2 months that I've had it. The real kick in the nuts is that I don't have my job after this Saturday. Why you ask? I stepped down, however, I stepped down after being given two options 1) stay at the store, pull a 180 and completely change my "leading techniques" and "lack of authority" (aka be a raging bitch of a tyrant like my supervisor and manager) or 2) step down. Gee, what would you pick? So, I stepped down and was told I would be transferred back to my old store starting September 19th. Kick in the nuts number two? My old store says they'll "transfer me when the time is right"...um...that's not what I was told. So, as it stands, as of Sunday I am unemployed? I don't really know. I guess I'm technically employed there still, I just don't have any scheduled hours.

Reason #2 That Life Sucks:
So, I took the position as ops senior at my new store. The position opened up at my old store. I applied, after 2 weeks I hadn't even gotten a call for an interview, which really surprised me. I was under the impression that my old store liked me quite a lot. Well, I guess I was wrong because they gave the position to a girl that I beat out for the spot before without even interviewing me. I really don't understand what happened. I mean, I decided I didn't want the position but I'm still hurt they didn't even interview me. And also I'm still pretty pissed about not getting transferred back.

Reason #3 That Life Sucks:
We're broke. I mean...really broke. After Manuel's suspension and now the fact that I possibly have no job, we're basically up shit creek without a paddle. We have two car payments and rent and we're trying to find a new place to live because our lease is up November 1st. Oh great. This is just fantastic.

Reason #4 That Life Sucks:
I'm pouting that we're not engaged yet. He's told me it's coming soon and that I just need to be patient but I really want to be engaged. Why? So I can officially plan our wedding and have something exciting to look forward to. This past year has been pretty much Suckfest 2010 and I'd like something cheery in life.

Reason #5 That Life Sucks:
I'm depressed. I've been depressed for the past year. Luckily, I've had plenty to keep me busy and not depressed. However, now with all the other depressing stuff going on, I'm blatantly depressed. Like, went home "sick" from work yesterday because I was just too depressed to function. I literally feel myself crumbling inside. I had a mental breakdown last week over swimming. I would normally call this PMS but I've been so stressed and depressed that I haven't even had a period to give me PMS in the past 7 weeks. So...basically, it's just awesome around here. I've been trying to draw or design to ease my stress and cheer me up but I have no creativity right now.

If you're still reading by this point I am most impressed because even I have become bored with myself. Sorry for the pity party, it's just that sometimes life sucks and you're entitled to one. Just one though. I've met my pity party quota for the next 6 months.

Letting My Praying Knees Hit the Floor

2010-08-28T10:34:00.002-05:00

Hi Kids,
I'm in need of lots of prayer right now. Let's just say, life is not going exactly as I had hoped. Before, I get to the bad stuff I do have some good stuff. I applied for a job last week and got a reply on it. I had to go take an assessment on Wednesday, I passed with flying colors and now I have an interview on Tuesday. Please pray that I get this position. It would be closer to home, a fixed income (it's salary), and more money altogether. It's really important that I get this job. I really need to save the money that I'm spending on gas and upkeep for my car and I need to earn more money. Now for the bad news:

Last week, Manuel got mandated, those of you unfamiliar with how the correctional system works, here's the gist. Basically, they have to have so many people working at all times, if someone calls off then someone has to stay and work their shift, which means working a double. There's a list at all times so you get mandated to stay if your name's at the top of the list. Basically you end up getting mandated about once every few months, because people can elect to stay to earn overtime.

Anyway, last Friday Manuel worked his midnight shift (10:45-7:15) and then got mandated for days (6:45-3:15) so by the time he got back from work at 3:30 ish, he had worked 16 hours and was exhausted so he laid down for a bit. Well, he forgot to take his phone off silent and he wasn't feeling well so when his alarm went off he didn't hear it and just kept sleeping. When I got home from work around 11:15 he was asleep in bed so I woke him up and asked him if he was feeling alright. He wasn't feeling too hot and he was supposed to be at work 30 minutes ago so he called work and said he wasn't feeling well and he called off. However, you're supposed to call off no less than an hour before your shift, so he knew he would get disciplinary action. He did this same thing over a year ago and his disciplinary action was 1 day of suspension without pay. We figured he'd get about the same thing since it's been over a year since his last screw up and he didn't no call, no show, he just called off late.

Well, he woke me up this morning and said we had to talk. Turns out he didn't get 1 day of suspension...he got 15. I tried not to show that inside I was panicking and trying to figure out how we'd make this work. Manuel makes almost 3 times as much as I do. We use his check for rent and his car payment, my check for my car payment and groceries. Like most people, we live paycheck to paycheck and in fact right now it's even worse than that because our lease is up in November so we're trying to save a deposit for a new place and also the money to book the church for our wedding next year (no, we're not engaged, just planning). So, now he's going to miss 2 whole paychecks, which equates to about $2000 dollars.

I just made a spreadsheet of our income and bills and we'll just barely make all of our bills, but that doesn't account for gas money or grocery money, or the fact that we have two weddings this weekend, one being out of state.

So, here's where you come in. We need your prayers. If I get this new job it will help immensely. Also, we're expecting his student loans to come in soon so we're going to use them to float us to November, but it's still going to be very, very tight. So, please, please, just pray for us. Pray that we'll trust each other and be patient with one another. Pray that we can make it to October 22 (his next "real" check) and that we can make all our bills. I know it could be much worse. We could be completely unemployed or homeless and at least we have each other. I know we have great people around us, so please just pray for us.

Revolution

2010-08-10T15:41:00.002-05:00

Well, now we wait.

I had my breaking point this weekend. I'm not sure exactly what it was. I don't know if it was the 45 minute commute with a stand still moment of traffic for 20 minutes. I don't know if it was the 9 hour shift with a manager yelling at me for something stupid. I don't know it was having to write up a kid who didn't deserve it. All I know, is that I am done with this job.

I just know that this job is not where I am supposed to be. I believe wholeheartedly that God created me to love, especially his children. God created me to be a light, to be positive, to be glass half full and I am not that woman lately.

I've come home the last 3 days basically in tears. It's negatively effecting my relationship. I'm tired and cranky and then I snap on Manuel and he just doesn't deserve it. He deserves a woman of God, a partner in love and a wife in the making. What's he gotten is a girl with 15 minutes of free time and she spends those crying or whining about how she hates her job.

I applied for 3 positions today, but really it's like much more because the applications I filled out are for entire school districts. They each keep the applications for a year and they're for multiple positions. Specifically I'm aiming for a position as a Teacher's Assistant in the special education room in Limestone Grade School. It would be a dream for me. A Monday-Friday, 8-5, full time job with weekends off and a CHRISTMAS BREAK!!

I just cannot do retail anymore. It is destroying me as a person and specifically as a Christian. I've spoken to many about it recently. I feel like Satan when I come home. As a person I value thriftiness and outreach. I hate having to push high priced (overpriced) electronics on people that NO ONE actually NEEDS, they're just standards set by society. I want to invest in people not in big corporations. I want to love God's children, not contribute to the fall of mankind.

I drove to Herscher today to get the district application for the position I really want and I was just struck with this huge God moment. I was on a gravel road in the middle of a cornfield when it hit me. I NEED THIS. I need God, I need to drive to a job right in the middle of his creation. I need to be reminded of him. I need the kids. I was just hit by this overwhelming urge to pray. I turned off my radio and drove the roads slowly, having a conversation with God. I find it no coincidence that I passed 2 cemeteries and 2 churches, all with huge crucifixes along my drive. I could just feel God around me. I told him how I think children are the most precious thing. How I see Jesus in them, because they're so innocent and trusting and they just love everyone.

I went to Starbucks to fill out the application so I could mail it right away. I ended up seeing an old professor of mine who was such an inspiration to me. He was always so encouraging and his devotional thoughts were always right around my own musings. He just spoke a tiny word of encouragement, "may the Lord bless you" and I just felt at ease with it all. Then, as I waited for my coffee, this tiny, precious little toddler started talking to me. It was like Jesus was right there talking to me. He just kept smiling and showing me his chocolate milk and it was so mundane but it was the Lord. It was God saying again, "you're doing the right thing, trust me, it's going to be okay".

I just started crying. I never realized how much God is still so around me. I've been running away only to fall down, scrape my knee and come crawling back to my daddy. I can't wait to see what he does with this.

Trials and Tribulations

2010-07-21T06:33:00.002-05:00

Well, I just don't know much these days. I took a job promotion to a store 34 miles away from my apartment. I really wanted the job, I wanted full time status, a pay raise and leadership status, but now I'm not so sure anymore. The new store is much more militant than my old store. My manager is kind of a bitch and my supervisor is her mini-me. They expect me to treat the cashiers like minions and frankly I just don't feel right doing that. The commute isn't that bad, it's just that weeks like this make me want to cry.

I worked 3-close yesterday so I was asleep when Manuel got home, left when he was asleep and got home so late that I didn't see him before he went to work. This morning he'll be home for 5 minutes before I leave. I'll see him for half an hour before class tonight and then I'll get home just as he's leaving. Tomorrow it's the same exact thing. By the time I get to my first day off (Sunday) I will have seen him 2 hours between Monday and Saturday. This sucks.

I'm just holding on til next week, vacation for 10 days.

Unabandoned

2010-06-24T13:44:00.002-05:00

Oops, looks like I kind of forgot I have a blog. It's okay though, I need to vent and it reminded me that I have the perfect place for it. So...my boyfriend tells me today that I probably shouldn't say anything to our friend Crystal anymore and I ask why. He tells me that she ran her mouth to his sister and brother in law and told them I said they that don't clean at all. Well, first off, that's true, they don't clean. Second, this is why I don't talk to people. Honestly, wow, I say one thing to her and less than 24 hours later she runs her mouth to everyone, great job. So, they're pissed at me but I really don't care because in my opinion they wouldn't be pissed if they didn't know it was true.

Manuel wants to stay here after November when the lease is up, his idea is to stay another 6 months and save money, however, I would rather jab sharp objects into my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I love Mark and Vanessa it's just that if I stay here I'll end up hating them. Manuel defended them and said they've been cleaning more lately, yeah, only because I went on strike a week ago and refused to do any dishes. If they hadn't cleaned yesterday they wouldn't have had any spoons!

Manuel doesn't think it's THAT bad. However, what he fails to realize is that because we don't say anything to them we end up fighting with each other. So, whatever, now they know and maybe I won't have to spend every day off loading the dishwasher and straightening the living room. Manuel pointed out to me that I've had an "attitude" the past few weeks. No, what I've had is honesty. When he told me they were pissed at me I said "okay, whatever, it's still true". That apparently is an attitude. To me, that is just being honest. I really wish he would just stick up for himself when it comes to them. Now I look like the bad guy even though he completely agrees with what I said.

AHHHHHHHH!!

2010-05-07T13:33:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm seriously on the verge of a nervous breakdown right now so I'm going to have to vent.

It is 1:29. I have been up since 9:30 CLEANING! I went to the Iron Man 2 midnight showing last night with Manuel and our friends and it was great but we got in a fight and stayed up til 5:30 arguing. Basically, he's so selfish sometimes and then he always blames it on me. I got upset because he's on midnights now, and I get 2 nights a week to actually go to bed with him and he stayed up playing video games and by the time he came to bed I was asleep. I woke up when he asked me for a goodnight kiss and I told him no because I was pissed. Then he says "whatever" and rolls over. He KNOWS he screwed up, but instead of apologizing he just says whatever and sleeps it off. I however was up til 5 arguing with him because unlike him, I can't just go to bed when I'm angry. So, even though I've had four hours of sleep and I'm still pissed because he didn't even listen to me I got up this morning and cleaned because my family is coming and is seeing our townhouse for the first time.

Okay, so what time did Manuel get up? Oh yeah, that's right...1 o'clock. He then proceeds to get on the SAME game that started our fight last night and not even kiss me good morning or tell me he loves me, he just says "hey" as he walks past me to the computer. So, I ask him if he's seen the bathroom which I worked really hard to clean and he says no, but then eventually looks at it and mumbles that it looks good before he goes downstairs to get breakfast. So, let's trace priorities 1) Sleep 2) Video games 3) Food and then there's me trailing somewhere at the bottom of the list.

So, I go downstairs eventually and ask him if he's going to help me clean the living room and kitchen which are both littered with the belongings and dishes of his sister and brother in law. He says he will and then I complain that all I do is clean up after everyone else and I'm tired of it. His advice? "Well then don't" Right Manuel, it's that easy, the house is a FUCKING DISASTER AREA and my FAMILY'S COMING TONIGHT and I should just leave it???? NOOOOO! And then HE yells at ME for bitching about the fact that I clean everything all the time by myself, and tells me that he doesn't want to hear it and neither does Mark (his brother in law). Seriously??!? Why the FUCK would I care how I make Mark feel when he can't even put down HIS video game and clean up his dishes from YESTERDAY!?!? Seriously, his sister and brother in law are fucking slobs and can't clean up one damn thing.

Now, his brother in law Mark has been up since 11 and what has he done? Oh yeah, that's right. He got the ironing board out to iron a shirt, then left it in the middle of the kitchen and started playing video games and that's where he still is. Seriously, I've had to walk in front of him at least 5 times to pick up HIS shit and he still can't stop playing for 10 minutes to help clean up HIS mess.

I'm done. Seriously done. Graduation is already stressful enough with the constant reminder that my mom's not here. And now I have to deal with this bullshit and I'm done. If I clean one more thing I will be furious all day and miserable, so I give up. They can all go fuck themselves. I'm not cleaning one more damn thing. I swear to God if this house is still a mess tonight I will kill my boyfriend. He should know by now that I'm pissed and his only redemption at this point is to clean the house for me so I don't go Lizzie Borden on these bitches.

Blow Away

2010-05-03T10:43:00.002-05:00

Well, it's been quite a while since I last wrote. I guess my life has been pretty busy lately. I finished up my classes at school last week and I officially moved in with Manuel on Thursday. It's weird, I like it, but it doesn't feel real. I never could have guessed a year ago that I'd be living with my boyfriend in a year. At this very moment he's sleeping in the bedroom because as of yesterday he is officially on midnights for 4 months. This week means that summer is officially here so my life is going to get even more hectic. This weekend is graduation, my family is coming to visit and for graduation so I should probably be cleaning right now but I just don't want to.

I thought of going to the gym today but I also don't feel like doing that. I know I'll probably feel better if I do, but it's just the getting dressed, driving over there, general laziness factor that's keeping me from getting up. I'm beyond bored right now because I'm technically home alone but I'm trying to be really quiet so I don't wake up Manuel.

So, I read over my instructions for graduation this morning and basically, I don't want to go. I've had a handful of people tell me that I'll regret not walking, and that it's an honor and that I should be proud and should take this opportunity seriously but all in all, I just don't want to do it. I don't want to sit through 600+ names being read and be surrounded by people and feel so uncomfortable the whole time. Ever since my mom's celebration of life I've developed extreme social anxiety. I can basically pin it down to the fact that over 800 people were there and they all surrounded me and had to hug me and talk to me and now anytime I'm in a big group like that I just experience intense anxiety. So, graduation, the idea of 600 people plus their families, it's nauseating.

Also, I know it's inevitable, I'll be thinking of my mom that day. I mean, why would graduation be any different? I think of her every day. Not to mention graduation is on Mother's Day weekend, gee thanks Olivet, rub it in. She was the one most looking forward to graduation and now without her I just don't care. I don't want to put on the regalia and walk along the planetarium platform. I just want them to mail me my diploma and that would be all the pomp and circumstance I really need.

The District Sleeps Alone

2010-02-10T23:33:00.002-06:00

I shouldn't be awake right now. In fact, I went to bed over 30 minutes ago. As per the usual I laid there restless and uncomfortable. I've been having my nightmares again. I don't know why I say again because they've been there for the past 4 months. In fact, they only stopped for a month, for that one month where I was sleeping in Manuel's bed, next to him over Christmas break. In fact, they stop every night that I spend next to him, but if I'm in my tiny twin bed on campus, it's a surefire bet that I won't sleep well, if at all, and it will be a sleep plagued with terror.

My mom's not always in the nightmares. When she is they're not scary, they're as real as ever. I wake up crying, confused, not knowing what to believe. I guess I only consider them nightmares because I always wake up in a state of terror. Tonight I laid down and tried to relax, I tried to just drift off into the sleep that my roommate's were already in. Instead, I laid under the blanket in a grip of fear. I know that if I close my eyes and drift off it only increases the chance that I'll have a nightmare, so instead, I lay awake.

Last night, I was feeling nauseous and hot while in bed so I moved out to the living room and slept on the couch. I finally fell asleep at 4 and woke up at 9. For the few short hours I was asleep I had visions of my mom and then of being hunted by some weird person and I always wake up scared and afraid. I had started to ignore the nightmares. Chalk them up to late night Taco Bell or caffeine or an uncomfortable bed, but I don't know how to make them stop. When I lay down at night I'm in that room, I look over at my phone sitting on the night table and it's as if I'm waiting for it to go off at 4:19 in the morning like it did that Monday. I switched beds this semester. I said it was because I wanted to sleep on the top bunk for one last semester of college, but in reality I wanted to get out of the bed I was in the day I got that phone call. I didn't want to lay in bed and see my phone from that perspective. It seems ridiculous, but I'm legitimately afraid of my phone.

If it goes off before 7 am, if someone doesn't answer a text, a call, if I get a weird voicemail, anything like that sets me into a frenzy of worry that someone has died.

I took all her pictures off my computer. Every picture of my mom now lies in a 500 gb external hard drive in a drawer. I got tired of crying every time I clicked on the wrong folder or link.

Last weekend I went to Disney on Ice, I cried when I went to bed that night because I wanted to call her so bad and tell her how much fun it was and how she would have loved it. I want to talk to her on Monday when I get my gold crown and show her how gangsta I am and make her laugh. I could kill someone to be able to hear her laugh again. Hear her laugh like she did the time Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg did Single Ladies on SNL.

I hate this version of my life. I hate that I turn 22 in a week and it's just the start of a new part of my life without my mom in it. I got mad at myself today. I phrased a sentence to someone by saying "I lost my mom this fall". I didn't lose her. She was taken from me and I won't even lie about it, I'm mad at God for it. I'm so mad at God that I can't even make myself believe he doesn't exist because then I wouldn't have anyone to be mad at. I won't even say it's not fair because myself and my mother often told people that life's not fair and to get over it, but I can't get over it.

A lady from my brother's church said "one day you'll stop measuring time by your mom's death", really? I think she's a liar. Because I can tell you right now that it's been 4 months, in fact, 10 days from now it will have been 5 months. Want to know what else? When I graduate college it will be 13 days short of being 8 months. My mom will miss my college graduate, the day I get engaged, the day I get married and the day I have a baby. She'll miss when I get my masters. All of it, for what reason? I am so mad at God. I don't understand why he had to take the one person I needed most in this life. I get so frustrated when I hear my roommates get mad at their moms. I wish they would just realize to appreciate how lucky they are to have a mom, because I had the best mom in the world and she was taken from me before I even got the chance to live out the good parts of my life.

I don't say anything about it anymore. Sometimes I'll say how I miss her during certain moments because it's something I would talk to her about, but the truth is I miss her everyday, every minute, every second. There isn't a tiny blip of life that doesn't go by that I don't think about what my mom would say or do. I've stopped saying anything because I feel like people think I should be over it by now. The truth is, I'm never going to be over it, and I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

Such Great Heights

2010-02-03T13:44:00.002-06:00

I'm trying so hard right now. I feel like I'm running up the down escalator, I feel like I take two steps forward and then I get pushed down a hill. *Insert other metaphor for despair here*

I have 52 dollars in my bank account. I have approximately 2,780 dollars in dental bills. I have another 1800 in credit card debt and I graduate from college in 3 months. Hellllooooo poverty.

I want to jump. I want to jump 3 years. I feel like Miley in the Hannah Montana Movie when she tells the boy "please jump" so he'll get to the good part. Well, I want the good part. I want to be married, done with school and trying for babies. I am so sick of life right now.

I have 3 close friends getting married this summer, I have 7 pregnant friends/acquaintances. I feel like I'm behind. I know I'm not, hell I turn 22 in 3 weeks, I'm not behind, in all statistics I'm really right on cue. However, I feel like I can't catch up. The little spark of light I saw today is that my tax return is enough to pay off my entire credit card bill...if I want to. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to split it up. Probably 5-600 to my credit card, probably help the man I love out of debt a little. I feel like in 3 months I start a new chapter in my life and God do I pray it's better than the last one.

The only thing I have holding me up right now is an amazing man in my life and this wonderful girl I've known since I was five. I swear God made us as one person and split her and I up. It seems we go through the same feelings at the same time. She's having baby envy and I'm having marriage envy.

I just pray that I get a few more glimmers of hope soon before I give up.

Monster

2010-01-15T13:14:00.002-06:00

Boo! I haven't blogged in a long, long time. I've been busy...I guess. I had all of Christmas break to blog but I worked pretty much every day and when I did get a day off I just played Wii or slept a lot. I got a root canal and I have another one next week. Today I have the day off and I mean really off, I have no work and no class. I watched Post Grad with Crystal this morning and then I just spent the last hour arranging and practicing my upcoming number for the Best Buy talent show. I'm performing (against my will) an acoustic guitar, quasi-indie rock version of Ice Ice Baby with samplings of Just a Friend, Baby Got Back and a tiny appearance by Tubthumping. I've never been more nervous of anything in my life. I've never played guitar in front of anyone besides my roommates and my coming out is about to be in front of all my coworkers and bosses (did I mention I just applied for a promotion?). Dear God, please don't let me puke...

I might have to post a preview video on here to get a little feedback before the big day, which is February 21st. SCARY! I'm such a chicken. I think it will help that I'm playing something silly though. I'm trying to gain inspiration from Kay Pettigrew...let's hope I do.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

2009-12-08T13:05:00.002-06:00

It snowed the other day which was was actually quite nice, it's started to make me a little more excited for Christmas. I just am not as excited for the season as I usually am. My mom was always the most excited about Christmas and without her it's just not the same. It's weird to not really have a home to return to for Christmas. I have, at the moment, no plans for Christmas at all. I'm working Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas so I'll probably just end up having a quiet Christmas morning with Manuel and that's it. I guess we're doing with Christmas with his family the first week of January and I have yet to figure out when I'm going to do Christmas with my dad and brother. I just don't really feel it so much this year. We had a really good roommate Christmas last night but today I'm feigning illness to escape the thought that I'm really just depressed. I am excited, however, for the fact that Saturday is Julie's wedding. Hopefully a nice get together with all my loved ones in a beautiful hotel for a Christmas wedding will spark a little Christmas spirit in my heart. I'm not feeling it so far.

The Battle

2009-11-20T12:44:00.004-06:00

Apparently...stress causes all kinds of lovely reactions in your body. Over the past 8...almost 9 weeks I've experienced nausea, tiredness, headaches, body ache and the latest...teeth grinding. AWESOME.

I hate stress. The worst week was the week where all food made me nauseous. Needless to say I think that week may be when I lost the bulk of the 17 pounds I've lost in the past 8 weeks. Also...I'm pretty sure this week will contribute to that number. As of three days ago...I have TMJ..also AWESOME. What is TMJ you ask? Temporomandibular Joint disorder. I basically wore out my jaw. Greg at work said I should stop talking...the second piece of advice "cease all gum chewing immediately"...this sucks.

At first I thought I had a cavity but then I realized that it wasn't affected by hot or cold. Then I noticed this awesome popping sound when I yawned. My jaw kept cracking and hurting. Then Wednesday I woke up and could open my mouth about this much:
________

________

Not good, not good my friends. Now I have this night guard thing that is supposed to make me stop grinding my teeth and "ease my jaw pain", well they're liars. Today, my jaw hurts so bad I haven't spoken in 2 hours. Any of you who know me knows that's a feat for me. Also, I don't have health insurance til December 1st. My TMJ diagnosis comes from the combined advice from my work mom Jodi and the doctor that visits ONU's health services. I'm supposed to go see a doctor in 2 weeks when I'm insured again but I'd kind of like to eat again before then...I don't know, maybe because next week is THANKSGIVING!!! FML this sucks. Oh, and I'm icing my jaw right now while typing...how you ask?
Yeah, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Cave In

2009-10-26T18:35:00.003-05:00

When you lose yourself, you don't feel it happening. It happens, bit by bit, step by step, little pieces of you fall off, dissolve into the air and you never even notice them leaving. It's weeks later, days later, hours later and suddenly you're fully aware that the person you are now is but a tiny sliver of who you were. For me, I don't even know the girl I was 5 weeks ago.

Today was another bad day. Lately I've been waking up with my eyes a lot crustier than normal, my top lashes practically glued to my bottom lashes. I thought my eyes were just watering a lot in my sleep, but now I know why. When I had my mental breakdown this afternoon and just went to bed I sobbed myself to sleep. When I woke up 3 hours later, my eyelashes were glued. Mystery solved...I cry every night. I cry everyday too. In fact, in the past 5 weeks I have not gone one entire day without a breakdown.

No one knows what to do. My roommate is a good listener, she does what she can, just listens and is kind to me, and that is all I need. My boyfriend wants to help, he feels bad when he can't, I know he's stressed out, but no one can help me. I don't even know what I need. Nothing makes me feel better. Sometimes I take a nap or write a blog or watch a movie to distract myself but when it's over I feel just as sad as I was before. The terrible thing is that usually when I feel this upset about something, I call my mom and she always knows what to say.

I've gotten very good at acting just well enough for people not to ask me how I'm doing. I hold myself together just enough so that I can skate through a class or two without having to talk to anyone. I'm considerably quieter than I used to be. I still laugh sometimes, but I can feel it's not the same and I wonder if anyone else notices. I have flashbacks. Little tiny things set me off and I lose myself in a moment and come back with tears.

Sometimes I'm thankful that so many people are sick, because then my sniffles are camouflaged by cold and flu symptoms and the fact that I'm unshowered and in a hoodie blends well in the campus setting.

Today at lunch I told Crystal that I feel crazy everyday. I feel like a prisoner of my own mind and body. Parts of me want to do my homework, I want to go to class, I want to do well in school and get into grad school but I just can't. I physically can't get up some days. Emotionally I just can't handle much. My brain power is significantly less than it used to be and I can't focus to save my life. I would honestly drop out of college right now if it wouldn't be such a waste. I just don't want to do this anymore.

The Saltwater Room

2009-10-15T07:52:00.002-05:00

I was going to class. I had my clothes on and then I changed. I put new clothes on and then I changed again. It was at outfit #4 that my mental breakdown occurred. It was at 7:47 that I decided it was better to have the mental breakdown at my desk in my apartment than at my desk in geography class.

I think...it has hit me. I don't know why it took this long, but it's here now. It's accompanied by a feeling of being cold, it's accompanied by saltwater tears and shaking. It's like feeling that your whole body is just a shell now. It's knowing that it won't matter if you're in your classes or sitting in the bottom of your closet, you'll accomplish the same amount of learning. It feels like I swallowed my junk drawer.

I think it was spurred on by me picking out clothes. It hit me when I was trying to find an outfit that made it seem like I was put together and like I was doing alright. An outfit that make people stop asking me how I'm doing, an outfit that would illustrate my strength. Instead, I picked out 7 different black or gray shirts and ended up sitting on my floor crying. Yeah, I'd say this illustrates my strength.

The truth is, I'm not strong anymore. I was strong for 3 weeks. I packed up my house. I sorted through 46 years of my mom's life, 21 years of mine and now I feel it. I feel the fact that this Thanksgiving I don't have a house to go back to. I feel the fact that my best friend is gone forever and it's not fair. I had plans with her. It's not fair that she's not here anymore.

I feel like this hollow shell of a person and the scariest part is, I don't want to feel any different.

My Heart With You

2009-09-22T22:47:00.002-05:00

I'm learning. I'm learning a lot these past two days. I'm learning what you do when someone dies. I'm learning how to be strong for others when you just want to crumble. I'm learning how to speak in past tense. I'm learning that it hasn't hit me yet. My mom died. I don't like saying it. I hate saying she passed away, but what else do you say? I had to call her best friends and tell them. I hated those phone calls. I'll never forgot Sarah's scream, or Julie's crying. Those sounds haunt me.

I've told the story a million times. I'll tell it again I'm sure. I'll never forget where I was, the sounds around me, what I was wearing. It's like a terrible dream. I just want to wake up to her voice. I just want to hug her again. I'm strong around everyone. I know how to be. My mom taught me how to problem solve and be a leader, but it's the alone time that kills me. It's getting in the shower and having the water drown out my sobbing. It's drying off with a towel, seeing my tattoo on my foot and losing it. It's writing this down. I forget what it's like to not have a headache. I don't remember the last thing I said to her. I remember telling her I had taken care of my car problems. I remember her saying, "Good, I'm glad you figured it out. I guess it's time for you to start solving things on your own." The foreshadowing of that sentence will haunt me forever. I wish it was a year later. I wish I was living on my own and I could just take my brother in. I guess that if I'm wishing though, I wish it was a week ago when I still had my best friend in my life. I wish I would've made it home sooner. I wish she was still here.

Break Me Out

2009-09-18T16:13:00.003-05:00

Today, my life was saved by a Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte. Do you want to know how?

I was on my way to work and I was starving but also thirsty. I decided that getting a latte would be the perfect start to my day. So, I drove to the Starbucks drive-thru and as I rolled down my window to make my order I noticed this really weird sound coming from my car. I thought it sounded like a belt was going bad so I turned off my air conditioner and my radio to save my car from any unnecessary efforts. As I pulled forward in the drive-thru my car died, I was able to start it back up but when I did the battery "dummy light" came on. I started praying "Dear God, please don't let my car die on me today". So, as I pulled out onto 102 I noticed the squealing had kind of stopped. I went to turn on the next road and I had absolutely no power steering. I then had to use everyone ounce of strength I had to turn my wheel. I was still about 2 miles from work but I was determined to get there. I made it to work and when I parked my car there was a definite burning smell. I was stressed out at work for most of the day trying to figure out what was wrong. Well, on my 15 minute break, me and Mike, a guy from work, went out to look at my car. Well, when we opened the hood it was suddenly very clear what the problem was.

Upon opening my hood we noticed that my serpentine belt which is normally wound around a couple of pulleys controlling your air conditioner and your power steering, was now wound around my engine, controlling nothing. After talking to the guys at work they were all astonished that I made it 2 miles on a broken serpentine and that I did so without dying. The new belt only cost me 25 bucks and a friend's boyfriend is going to put it on for me while I'm at work tomorrow. So, in the end, rolling down my window to order my latte caused me to hear the belt and turn off my air conditioner which saved me from blowing up my engine and destroying my car.

The End.

Matter of Time

2009-09-11T23:27:00.002-05:00

Remember that time I had a blog? Oh dear goodness it's been a long while since I last wrote. Unfortunately, it's basically because nothing has happened. It's been a month but I've been doing the same thing over and over again, it's like Groundhog Day. Right now I'm making fudge, basically because I felt like it, I don't really want it, I just wanted to make it. I'm also listening to Regina, in preparation for tomorrow night. I made a necklace today, I like it, it's got pendants. I also made a shirt, inspired by Regina. I love her. If I were a lesbian...it'd be all Regina and Zooey Deschanel for me.

The other day I was running late for geography. It was a day that is very atypical for me. I'm usually super prepared for anything but on this day...I was not. The printer had a paper jam, the coffee pot was extra slow, my keys got stuck on the hook, my phone meandered off on its own. It was overall a rough morning. I have geography on the second floor of Reed and usually I walk over early enough to go out of my way and take the outdoor stairs. However, on this day, I was running late and had to take the closest stairs to my classroom, the indoor stairs, which to the average person is not an issue. For me, however, it is the biggest issue. The indoor stairs have a giant taxidermy moose head in them and it's the most terrifying thing in the world to me. I faced the stairs head on and just decided to sprint up the stairs and pass the moose head with the most ease as possible. However, as I got to the second flight of the stairs I realized they'd made some changes since freshman year. They'd added two giant buck heads to the stop of the stairs. I got to the top and let out an audible gasp, closed my eyes and ran for the door. I got to class 4 minutes late and panting, both from rushing and out of sheer fear for my life. Never again will I be late for geography. Never again will I be forced to take the taxidermy stairs. It was a horrifying experience.

Passing Afternoon

2009-08-15T11:16:00.003-05:00

I was just in the shower a few minutes ago thinking that I hadn't blogged in a while so...here it is:

It's been a pretty crazy week since I last blogged. I've been picking up a lot of hours at work lately, lots of people on vacation, positions changing so us veterans had to step up and work a lot more hours to fill the voids. I was actually offered a different job yesterday. One of our SO's (sales operator) just moved to Missouri for school so they need a new one. It'd be the same money I'm making now, maybe like a nickel raise but my job would be to answer phones. It's not as boring as it sounds but I still really want to work customer service and stay within that department. I'm still thinking about it. I might ask if I can do both. So, yeah, lots of work, in fact after my shift today, I will have clocked 38 hours this week. Thank God I'm off tomorrow, I need a break. Yesterday I went in at 9 to wash the outside windows, I had covered them in window chalk for the midnight release of Madden 2010 and I volunteered to wash them. I figured it was a good break from the norm. So I did that and then did media stock all day yesterday. Finally left work at 5:45 completely exhausted.

To rewind a bit, Thursday was the Jason Mraz concert. Holy awesomeness. It was a total night o'karma. We ended up getting given free passes to jump the line from a fellow concert goer, we were in the very first row of people, coincidentally right next to the subwoofer so my hearing still hasn't quite returned. They were doing a DVD taping, which is pretty sweet. Bushwalla was the emcee for the night, which was fantastic. He performed a song with this newcomer Ben Howard who I would compare to John Butler and Ray LaMontagne having a musical baby, he's awesome. Then K'naan, a Somalian rapper came out and rocked it, it was SWEET. Jason Mraz played an INCREDIBLE set, I screamed like a 13 year old girl. He played an encore which included the song Lucky, Colbie Caillat had flown in from the west coast, it was all just too perfect. And after the concert we got a pic with Bushwalla. It was amazing.

Freedom Hangs Like Heaven

2009-08-03T04:27:00.003-05:00

Ohhhhh my goodness. It's 4:27 in the morning. I have had a headache for 6 hours. I want to die. I have no idea what is wrong with me, my brain hurts so much!!!!! I've tried everything to get rid of it and now my only solution is making myself so tired I literally pass out from exhaustion and sleep through the pain. I moved into the new apartment today. It's really nice to be in my actual apartment and to be able to unpack for the first time in 3 months. All summer long I basically lived out of boxes because I just felt like it would be pointless to unpack and decorate for only 3 months. So now I'm in the official senior year apartment and it's been a little surreal already. First, it's creepy as hell living here all by myself. That could be part of the reason that I can't fall asleep, I'm scared to be all alone in this new place. Second, it dawned on me that the next time I move, it'll be out of Olivet housing and into the real world...SCARY. Luckily, I think I already have a roommate for an apartment. My friend Libby is looking to be a grown up with me :)

I have a distinct feeling that my air conditioner does not work. It's been on high all day and it's not even cold in here, it's not hot but it's definitely not cool. Ugh....I feel like death. I literally Googled "how to get rid of a headache" the first result took me to WikiHow. It told me to push in a nerve in my eye socket but I have this fear of eyes and I just decided I'd rather have a headache than touch anywhere near my eye. Okay...it's 20 til 5 in the morning and this is no longer fun. I don't want to be awake, I want to be tired...I want to not have a headache. I'm going to chop off my head.

Here We Go

2009-07-19T16:31:00.003-05:00

'Ello there. It's Sunday. I slept til 12:30 today, which is a personal best. I'd thought (before today) that my body had forgotten how to sleep in. I tried to sleep in 3 times this week, the results...8:30, 9:30 and 10:06...that my friend, is not sleeping in. Then today my phone goes off, a text from my bf and I'm like "oh, he texted me at 12:27....12:27?!" and then I realized I'd slept 10 hours...woot. Also, a suggestion to the masses, a good before bed snack is not chips, queso and chicken salad, my stomach this morning was like "Sarah, why have you foresaken me?!" Right now I'm being a huge-tastic bum. When I woke up this morning, despite feeling icky, my body was like "FEEEEEED MEEEEE CINNAMON ROLLSSSS" so then I had to drive to Kroger (yes, had to) and buy some cinnamon rolls and also spicy sweet chili Doritos...these were necessities. Then I came back here and started back to Weeds. I've been watching for a week now, but really just 3 days because I was off 3 days and watched it all day. I'm almost done with season 3 which is pretty good I guess, or pathetic, however you decide to look at it. Anyway, I look like a hot mess right now, black basketball shorts, black Taking Back Sunday shirt, ponytail, no makeup, glasses, pretty much the most attractive ever and guess what...Manuel texts me that he's at the back door. Oh delight, I haven't showered, I'm drinking coffee and I'm pretty sure I look greasy as all get out. And what does he have for me? A love letter he wrote me while sitting and thinking about me at work. Seriously?! How the heck did I get so lucky? This boy is a dream, really, somedays I'm like "why in the world does he want ME?" I'm insane. He told me yesterday "You're bat shit crazy but I love you". That's crazy. Why? We got in a fight on Thursday..oh my gosh was it funny.

We had decided to go get dinner before going to see Harry Potter. I was getting ready and told him to pick a place. He suggested soup and sandwiches or something. So I suggested Olive Garden and he suggested Panera, and I told him just to pick while I finished getting ready. So, he picked Panera, but I wanted him to pick Olive Garden so I told him I wanted to go to Olive Garden instead. Now in hindsight I realize this was a very "womanly" thing to do, tell him to pick and then I end up picking anyway. We could've avoided the whole fight if I would've just told him where I wanted to eat instead of expecting him to guess that I really wanted it all along. So we're arguing over dinner the entire way to dinner and then I say "whatever this is the stupidest conversation ever" and then he goes "well is stupidest a word? because I know stupider isn't, it's more stupid..." and then I'm like "seriously? are you trying to egg me on? just shut up, did you think that was a good argument to start?" and then he goes "well I was trying to break the ice, lighten the mood a little" and I start to say "Yeah, worked really well, look how light and airy the atmosphere in the car is" but instead, I got to "light and airy" and cracked up laughing. We both proceeded to laugh hysterically most of the way to Olive Garden, completely ignoring our argument. That right there is why I love him. Where in the past a tiny argument like that would spiral into a massive fight, it never does with him. One of us always starts laughing and we make fun of how dumb we can be sometimes. It's so cool, because at the end of every little nothing fight we realize how much alike we are and how in love we are. He's amazing and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him, laughing at our stupid arguments and getting into tickle wars.

City of Black and White

2009-07-14T00:51:00.002-05:00

Oh goodness, where to begin? I'm off work tomorrow so the idea of staying up late is ever appealing but alas, I'm an old woman and here it is 5 to 1 and I'm exhausted. Tomorrow I plan on having a full on Weeds marathon. Seeing as my wonderful boyfriend purchased seasons 1-4 for me and I'm only to episode 3 of season 2...I have a lot to accomplish tomorrow. I also might go buy pants...I'm in need. So...here's the story, I'm madly in love with my boyfriend and yesterday happened to be our 2 month official anniversary. I say "official" because we dated for a month before actually becoming "official" so we've actually been together more like 3 months. Anyway...it feels like we've been together a year, but not in a bad way. It's just that we've both been in long relationships before, we both know what we want out of life and out of a relationship and what he happen to want is each other. It's actually pretty awesome. I knew after 3 weeks of dating him that this could be a long term situation and then on his b-day, 1 day after our official 1 month anniversary I told him I loved him and realized that it was a forever type situation. Now...we're on a roll here, I've got a promise ring, we've talked marriage, we're quite serious and this is not a problem for us or my parents and I'm pretty sure his parents are on the ball too. But...his friends are carrying the flag in the Debbie Downer Relationship Doom Parade. His friend's fiancee who has the IQ of a carrot and talks in a baby voice, informed my boyfriend that he is setting himself up for failure by dating me...awesome. She is now on my list of bitches to beat down. His good friend keeps asking him questions and doubting his judgment. Now granted, person 1 has been around me for all of 4 hours and person 2 hasn't kept a girlfriend longer than a month in the past two years so their "advice" isn't exactly well received. It's just overall kind of annoying to me because I've been in relationships before where the friends were carrying the torch to burn you at the stake and overall it's kind of a buzz kill. However, I'd like to think that the aforementioned relationship was already doomed to the eternal hellfire and that it's ending was a good plan. I think Manuel and I are going to stand the test of time and we're kind of perfect for each other and I have a lot of faith in the fact that I doubt that a few little comments from the peanut gallery could break us up. However, it's still annoying and I still want to beat them down.

Closer to Love

2009-07-07T11:24:00.003-05:00

Apparently summertime means I suck at blogging. It's been a crazy summer, I can't believe that it's already July. Let's see, I finished summer school last week so now I'm just spending the rest of my summer working at Best Buy and being a bum, which is nice. I spent 4th of July weekend in Michigan with the boy and his family. We were supposed to leave Friday morning but I got off work early and we just decided to drive up Thursday night, which was a terrible idea because we got to Saugatuck at 3 in the morning :( We had a great weekend though, perfection really. I got some new freckles and got to go to bed and wake up every morning next to my boyfriend. I tell you, I'm a very lucky girl. I'm going to keep him foreverzzzz. Today I don't have to work til 4 which is a nice little break. I slept in, I'm watching movies and being a bum. Tomorrow my plan is to go home after work and have a miniature weekend with my family, I haven't been home since Father's Day so it'll be a nice break to go home for a bit. Betsy and Anne are going to be in town so it looks like a girl's night is coming up :) I'm about to find some food somewhere, I'm starving!!

Playing With My Heart

2009-06-25T22:55:00.002-05:00

It's been a month since I last blogged. I don't really know why it took so long. I've been working, taking summer classes, not making blogging a priority. In all honesty I don't even know what's drawn me to blog tonight. I guess I'm feeling a little like the old Sarah and I feel like I need someone to hold me down and slap my face and tell me to quit it. For instance, I'm thinking if I could just pack up all my stuff, change my name and runaway it would solve all my problems. Like for instance, I'm in love with this boy, and it scares me to death. I freak out about it all the time. It makes me really nervous and uncomfortable and I keep trying to push him away and he just keeps loving me and I have to think that's not an accident. Honestly, I have such a terrible time accepting love or praise. I hate it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could just let him love me and stop being such a freak. I feel myself drawing back again. I can feel my thoughts becoming hermit-like, I can feel myself wanting to crawl into bed and not come out until he's forgotten all about me. I seriously do not know what is wrong with me. I feel like I shouldn't even be allowed around other humans, I'm so toxic. Why does it annoy me that someone loves me? Seriously, it's absolutely retarded. I want to get married, I want to have babies, I want to be a wife, I want to be a freaking awesome wife, but at the same time I want to run as far away as I can from everyone in the world and be alone forever. It's crazy, and I don't know why. Seriously, someone shake me.

Many the Miles

2009-05-25T21:29:00.003-05:00

Ohhhhhh goodness, it's been a long weekend. Let's see, I've been in 4 states in 2 days. Friday night I got off work at 7:30, then we (Manuel and I) met up with Nathan and Amber to follow them to Valparaiso. Manuel let Amber and I use walkie talkies to talk to each other between vehicles which basically led to us being ridiculous, who knew? We got to Valpo around 10 on Friday, ate some pizza then went to sleep. Saturday we left at around 11:30, wedding was at 4:30, 3 1/2 hour drive + 1 hour time difference, we figured we were good. Well....we get to the church at 4:20 and guess what? The wedding started at 4...oops. So, we missed the bride walking down the aisle but we saw everything else. After partying it up at the reception we headed back to Valpo. We got pulled over for speeding...oh dear it was hilarious. Nathan was driving, Manuel's in the passenger seat and Amber and I are singing in the backseat. Now, the craziness was that we get pulled over in Ohio, we're driving an Indiana car, coming from Michigan and Nathan had an Illinois driver's license. I think the cop just felt sorry for us and let us off the hook. Amber and I "entertained" the boys by singing the entire Wicked soundtrack on the way back. All in all it was a good weekend. I came home yesterday to spend memorial day with the family, all good times. In other news...

My computer duplicated my iTunes library and corrupted my iPod...stupid. I had to fight with the freaking thing for a few hours. I finally figured everything out and I'm in the process right now of restoring my iPod and syncing it. Oh, not to mention, I just got two new albums...so good. First, I bought Mat Kearney City of Black and White which is amazing, it's a really great album, really showcases his talent. My favorite tracks are the title track and Closer to Love, so good. Then, Manuel bought the new Green Day album which meant that I also inherited it. Now, I might have to agree with my friend Travis, could be their best yet. My favorite tracks are 21 Guns and Little Girl. Seriously, check it out. It's classic Green Day with a twist, got to love it. K....peace loves :) Oh and side note, as of today I officially need magnified reading glasses to use the computer and read :( I'm old.

One Sweet Love

2009-05-17T00:08:00.003-05:00

I am seriously acting like the biggest girl lately and it's beyond retarded. I pride myself on being this strong, independent woman with her own mind and a bit of stubbornness and lately...all I can do is smile and giggle...pathetic. Basically, this boy has got me acting a fool. Haha. Oh boy, can't believe I just said that. We went to dinner tonight with his sister and brother in law, Amber and Nathan and it was so nice. I've been freaking out a lot less lately. I mean, in the back of my head there's still this tiny voice that says "You're in a relationship! Get out now!" but then the voice in the front of my mind says "He's amazing and he likes you, accept it, own it and appreciate it for all it's worth because this doesn't come around often and it may never be this good with anyone else." I've been with Manuel for 4 technical days, known each other for 4 weeks, but I'm more comfortable with him than I ever was with Eric. With Manuel, I want to dress up, I want to look cute and not because he wants me to but because I want me to. With Eric...couldn't care less what he saw me like. I stopped trying to impress him because it never really got me anywhere. It's crazy to think...but I already feel like Manuel loves me for who I am. I just feel completely accepted with him and it makes me so comfortable.

Tonight, we went and saw Angels and Demons and he had his arm around me and he was running his fingers up and down my arm. Now, it was probably a completely subconscious thing but it made me feel safe and wanted. When he kisses me goodnight I don't feel like he's just trying to get me turned on so I'll want him, he's kissing me to show me how much he cares about me and I can tell. I'm 4 days into a relationship with him and I wouldn't mind being 400 days into it. I'm happy for the first time in over a year and I finally remember what it's like to be adored. I don't believe in coincidences and I don't believe in luck, what I have is a straight up blessing from God and this boy was put in my life for a reason.

City

2009-05-13T09:51:00.002-05:00

Hola! So, I haven't blogged in a while, shame on me :( It's been crazzzzy busy though. I had to work on Friday and Saturday and then Saturday I drove home to spend Mother's Day weekend with my mom. Saturday night my mom, Addi and I went out to Oliver's in Peoria to sing karaoke, wow, it was awesome. My mom sang Suds in the Bucket and All That Jazz and then Addi and I dazzled the crowd with a little 90s flashback of Wannabe. I'd have to say spending the night singing karaoke in a bar with your mom is probably the best mother's day event ever. Then Sunday I went to my grandma's where my entire family gathered for the traditional mother's day feast of Chinese food presented by Hot Wok. A little side note about Hot Wok, we eat there so much that at Christmas time THEY give US a gift certificate for free food...CRAZY! Anyway, after eating I had convinced my amazing boy to come over to my house on his way back from SIUE and he met the fam and things went well. We watched Australia and then I ended up staying a second night at my house which resulted in me waking up at 5 to drive back to ONU in time for my first day of summer class! Yippee. So, yeah, a lot has occurred in the past five days. Then yesterday I spent the day in Chicago :) A certain boy just so happened to spoil me rotten and take me to the Field Museum, Grand Lux for lunch/dinner and then Navy Pier for a ferris wheel ride. And then, on said ferris wheel ride, boy asked me to be his official girlfriend :) So, in a nutshell, I'm happier than ever and I woke up smiling today.

Morningside

2009-05-07T22:06:00.002-05:00

I'm officially a college senior now. It's crazy to think really. In fact, so crazy that I'm not going to think about it. Amber and I have just begun our Batman marathon. In honor of having nothing to do tomorrow we are going to celebrate by watching Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever and Batman & Robin. It's a pretty genius idea really, however, we're starting a "marathon" at 10 and I'm already exhausted. Today has been an extremely long day. I got up at 8 and starting cleaning and finishing up packing. Hopped in the shower by 10, made a few quick runs around campus to finish stuff up and then took my last final at 1. We had our checkout at 3, I walked over to Eric's to give him back a box of stuff...that was thrilling. I kept finding all this stuff while cleaning that was making me angry and disappointed. It seemed with every drawer or box I opened I found something that reminded me of all the broken promises he made to me, so in essence, I purged my life of unhappiness in relationships. I'm at this place in my life where I have the opportunity to have a real adult relationship with a real adult, something that's beyond amazing for me. I just don't want to open any drawers and be reminded of the young, stupid, girl that fell for the lies and disappointments of an immature, twisted, ass of a man. I want to open drawers and see my High School Musical stickers, or my orchid, or my root beer chapstick and be constantly reminded that I have this amazing guy in my life that Eric couldn't hold a candle to. I'm so glad this year is over. It's been hellish and definitely a growing experience and I am SO ready to begin my senior year happy and blessed beyond all imagination.

I Go All To Pieces

2009-04-29T19:35:00.003-05:00

Oh goodness, today...was a day. I had my spanish oral exam first thing this morning which went well and then I had to work from 9:30-4:30. I wasn't really looking forward to going to work, in general it's been a pretty crappy week and I wasn't exactly stoked to come home and do homework. So, I get back from work around 4:40 ish and I'm sitting at my desk and my phone goes off. A little background information, the text alert on my phone is the sound effect from Metal Gear Solid when Snake gets a call. So...I look at my phone and it's a text from Manuel and it says "Snake your mission is to walk out to your blazer..." and I say "Haha you're a nut" and he goes "You have to go outside to complete this phase of the mission." I seriously thought he had to be kidding. So, I walk outside and sitting on on top of my car is a big purple gift bag. Well, the other day I told him that if he didn't stop spoiling me I'd turn into a brat. So, I get the bag and bring it inside and there's a card that says "Spoiled" on the outside. It's a super cute card and it says inside that he hopes this gag makes me smile and gives me a break from the work and homework. Inside the bag is possibly the greatest array of toys and exciting things that completely made me laugh and smile. So, basically he's the cutest boy ever and I couldn't be luckier.

Hold You In My Arms

2009-04-28T21:17:00.003-05:00

Ladies and the occasional gentleman reader...I need help. Here's the story: I am a spazitron, one that needs to be put on hibernate. Allow me to explain...if I can. I have been "talking to", quasi dating this boy for a week and a half now. Now..here's where the spaz comes in. I haven't allowed a boy to get close to me in a year. I am literally afraid of commitment and I generally like to spaz out about it. Around the 2 week mark I like to push the person as far away as possible so they'll stop wanting to be around me. It's very strange. I am seemingly incapable of letting anyone love me.

Okay, so this boy is seriously amazing. He really likes me. He wants to spend time with me. He wants to spend money on me. He likes talking to me. And not one single part of that whole little spiel doesn't freak me out. I am seriously freaking out. I can feel myself starting to pull away. I can feel myself starting to spaz and make up reasons not to talk to him and I don't want that at all.

Now, this boy has made plans all the way into July with me. Don't get me wrong, I am all for having him around and I would love to be his "official" girlfriend but I can feel myself starting to be a freak. Here's the challenge for you folks. Please pray for me. Please pray that I learn to trust and that I learn how to be loved. I still struggle everyday with allowing people to love me. I swear I'm mean to people just so no one will really know how I feel. I'm honestly afraid to let people in, because the more you let people in, the more it hurts when they leave. If you ever watched One Tree Hill there's a piece of artwork that totally explains how I feel. I've just found, especially in the past year, that the more you keep people at bay, the less risk you hold of hurting. So please pray that I learn to let people in.

Til the Sun Turns Black

2009-04-27T00:37:00.002-05:00

Well, hellooooo. I had a super fantastic weekend. It was so nice to get away and have some fun before finals start. Amber and I went home Friday and got to enjoy the Gamma Phi Circus and then Saturday we went to Peoria to hear The 42s play and today we enjoyed Lilly Belle's 1st birthday. It was a crazy weekend filled with way too much fun and I'm very tired but it was well worth it. Now...it's crack down time. I have an art project due next week, a big test on Tuesday and then of course, finals. I'm not really worried about finals that much. I only have 2 cumulative tests and they're both on different days so really it's just a matter of pacing myself and studying well. I'm a little stressed out right now but that's really for a completely un-finals related subject. With Amber and I being gone all weekend Crystal decided to pack, which, fine whatever, packing is good. However, by "pack" I thought she meant she was going to box up little stuff that didn't really matter and wouldn't be used a lot over the next 2 weeks, which she did. But...throughout her packing process she also basically destroyed the apartment. So, after having a great weekend and coming back in a great mood and ready to start the week fresh and happy, I open the apartment door and I literally screamed. It looks like someone robbed us, and then boxed up everything they stole from us and put in on our kitchen table. It's a disaster. There are boxes in every room except the bedroom and bathroom and I'm sure that's only because it's too small in there.

My plan was to come back from the weekend and get some homework done and relax but I literally could not think in the apartment it was so cluttered..and still is. It's just very annoying. Yes, I realize that packing has to occur, but there are still TWO WEEKS of school left and plenty of time to pack. Also, there are still TWO WEEKS that we have to go without a shower curtain, curtains on our front windows and F-ING BOXES EVERYWHERE! It's obnoxious. So...basically I flipped out because I can't even think it's so cluttered and I could't sit down and relax on the couch because the boxes everywhere were driving me nuts. I literally stayed in the apartment for 10 minutes before grabbing my laptop and portfolio and going to Larsen to work on my project. Ugh..I cannot live like this for 2 weeks. I'm going to lose my mind. It's horrible.

Oh, and in unrelated, but just as disturbing news. My ex, who I semi-loathe, is officially dating the girl that has obsessed over him the past 3 years. It's disturbingly hilarious and pathetic all at the same time. For some reason it really pisses me off that he's dating her because I know for a fact that he has no feelings for her and he's not physically attracted to her at all. I'm pretty sure she just talked him into it and he's so pathetic that he needs her to feed his ego. But, whatever, more power to them. Hopefully they'll get married and have kids that are all emo and depressing and think the entire world is out to get them. It's really amazing how perfect they are for each other. I know it's totally bitchy of me to think all this but I really don't care. That girl has hated me for 3 years for no other reason than I was dating the boy she loved. Ew, puke, you can have him. Hopefully he'll waste 2 years of your time and leave you emotionally stunted. I hope she sees exactly how "perfect" he is and then maybe she'll get a little taste of what my relationship was like and then she can judge me all she wants. Whatever, I have myself a big strong correctional officer that treats me like the princess I am and I wouldn't trade him for the world. Better relationship, ftw :)

Three More Days

2009-04-20T22:23:00.003-05:00

Thank you Ray LaMontagne for writing a song that perfectly fits the fact that I'm going to see DAVID SEDARIS IN THREE DAYS! Basically, David Sedaris=my favorite author and Brent and I have had tickets since July....JULY that was seriously 9 months ago. I could've had a baby during the time I've been waiting for this event to come around. Haha. Anyway, I'm pretty much the most excited ever. Not only am I going with my bff to see my favorite author, our tickets are 2nd row center...woooooooot. Also, I had a date last night. It was amazazing. I had told him on Saturday that I could balance an M&M on my nose and catch it in my mouth but that I wouldn't show him, that I had to prove to him first that I'm normal. So, he picks me up, opens the car door for me (major bonus points) and he takes me to Brickstone (even more bonus points) and we talk and it was awesome and he was sweet and funny and it was great. Then we went to Barnes and Noble for coffee and more talking and we sit down at the table and he says "alright, you said you could do it, now you have to prove it" and he pulls out three bags of M&Ms, plain, peanut and almond. So, I had to prove to him my trick...fail. Seriously, I was such a dork and he thought it was adorable...so, awesome. We have our second date tomorrow and I'm pretty much stoked because this guy is amazing.

All the Wild Horses

2009-04-18T22:42:00.003-05:00

Wow, has this just been the greatest past two days. It's just been amazing. Yesterday it was like 73 degrees, I had one class and the entire day to enjoy the weather. I didn't have to be to work until 4 so Amber and I decided to fully enjoy the weather by laying in the sun and drawing pictures with sidewalk chalk. It was just one of those days that you couldn't make any better. It was gorgeous and wonderful. I was in such a great mood that I didn't even care that I had to go to work at 4. I got a sweet tea on my way to work and was enjoying the fact that I had new freckles. My freckles are probably in my top 5 favorite features that I have and I love that it's spring again and they're popping onto my face again. So, I was giggly and happy and just basically spreading the joy and happiness around, I was acting like a freaking fairy princess. Well, I swear, I must've done something to make God happy because he gave me the greatest day ever. At work that night, something that has never ever happened to me...did.

Back story: I had a customer about a month ago whose laptop I exchanged. It was a big long process and the two of us chatted for about 40 minutes as the whole process took place. I remember thinking "he's cute and really nice" but being the person I am, I never take any forward steps with something like that. Well, lo and behold, laptop boy comes into Best Buy yesterday. He's standing at customer service, waiting a really long time for me to finish up with my customers. When I get to him he starts chatting me up and it's at this time that it becomes apparent he really just wanted to talk to me because the conversation was lametastic. So, I'm giggling in my head and then he goes "I also wanted to ask you something else" and me...being naive, said "Yeah?". He then proceeds to say "I was wondering, would you like to go out sometime?". I know I turned bright red because I was sunburned to begin with and then I could feel all the blood in my body rush to my face. It was awesome...not. So, I said yes and gave him my phone number. Well, after texting the past day, I have an official dinner date tomorrow night and I've never been more nervous in my life. AAAH!

Then, after work I got to spend the evening with my 2 current roomies and future roomie. We went and saw 17 Again and it was fantastic and we had a blast and it was basically like God said "Look at these wonderful girls, you're going to have a blast next year." Awesome awesome awesome.

Anyway, it was a good day, to say the least :)

Crazy

2009-04-14T12:53:00.002-05:00

Um...the shit hath hitteth the fan...eth.

In a nutshell, the shit looks a little like this equation

Sarah+writing angry rant blog about Amber+Amber reading rant blog=exploding screamfest of doom

This is not a very good day at all. Aside from the fact that it's bleak and gross outside, and the fact that I'm 90% what I screamed at her this morning was something quite hideous and mean, it is seriously the worst day of my life since high school. I mean, I had a pretty shitty high school experience, but what went down today pretty much takes the cake on shitty days AND it's only 1 o'clock! Basically, I'm really good at yelling but I'm not so good at getting yelled at. Honestly, this morning I did just want to explain myself and then she started yelling and my reaction was to yell back...bad call. As a result, I've been having the worst day EVER. I mean, Abby, Katherine and Crystal get my blog. They've been reading it since the beginning and they all pretty much know that sometimes I have bad days and as a result I have a blog vomit. Where every word in my head comes out in a huge rant-y blog. Usually they're about 89% accurate and 21% pure emotion. I yell at my blog so I don't yell at people, because yelling at people hurts my heart and I gotta say, my heart hurts a lot today. Because, I feel like Amber thinks that I don't love her and that's not true at all. I love her lots and lots, it's just that as the year has progressed we've gotten further and further apart. It's a combination between her changing and me changing which honestly is bound to happen when you're growing up, but it's become really stressful. I seriously don't tell her anything anymore and I used to tell her everything. Honestly, there's not a single person on this planet that knows everything about me, except Addi. Because, to this day, 16 years of being best friends, she never hesitates to tell me the honest truth 100% of the time. I trust Addi with my life and I could not have made it through this year without her. She's married and working and going to school full time and she still remains the truest, best friend I've ever had and I know in 60 years when we're old and ugly we'll still be best friends. I thought for the longest time that Amber and I would be that way. But as she's gotten closer to Nathan she's gotten further from me, which makes me sad because maybe it means we weren't that close to begin with. Either way, I hate the tension in the apartment right now and I hate the fact that I can't tell my best friend about Easter break and the exciting things in my life because she hates me.

A Falling Through

2009-04-10T15:14:00.004-05:00

So, I'm a little frustrated right now. Actually that's a lie, I'm a lot frustrated right now and I don't even know if I have the right to be. Basically, it's Good Friday, I have no school and I'm off work today which translates into one big giant day of no responsibilities. Now...it also happens to be a certain boy's b-day. Granted, this boy and I are not even officially anything. We've been semi-regularly hanging out for the past week. We like each other, something that we've established and we communicate daily. Now...on Wednesday he asked me what I want to do today and I remarked that it's his b-day so why doesn't he decide? So, we decided that we'd just hang out and chill, and possibly watch LOTR. Now, we didn't talk about the specifics but we both knew that neither of us had anything to do today so that left our options pretty open. So, I woke up at 9 today on my own, watched a movie and got in the shower about 11 just in case he texted me and wanted to meet up soon. So...I get out of the shower and there's nothing from him so I just casually text "Happy Birthday :)" and 2 hours later he responds with "Thanks!"

Now....didn't we have plans? Granted, they weren't specific but I remember making them. So then I ask him what he's up to and he just tells me that he's relaxing and later his parents are taking him to Chicago Dough. Okay...I'm thinking "why didn't he mention anything about OUR plans?". So, then I tell him that I'm watching a movie and sitting around the apartment. A little small talk goes back and forth and then I get my guts and I text "So...what happened to us watching LOTR?" and that was an hour ago. Since then...there's been no response. Now...I got dressed at 11, I have on makeup and a cute shirt and now I'm pissed because I got stood up. I feel bitchy getting mad at him on his b-day, but I'm definitely mad. Had he told me he changed his mind I would've still been disappointed but at least I'd be in the loop and I could've made other plans. Instead...I've been sitting on my ass all day waiting for him to text me. This is stupid and this is why I hate boys. Now, I'm not going to completely write him off for this minor infraction but still...I'm annoyed and this is just a good reminder of the shit I put up with for a year and a half with Eric. So now I'm pouting and waiting for Crystal to get home at 5 because at least by then I'll have someone to talk to. This is so stupid. I hate being such a girl. I don't want to be mad, but I am, and I'm disappointed. Maybe it's just me but if I liked someone I'd want to hang out with them, not avoid them all day. I don't know what the deal is. Maybe I'm just being uber paranoid and a freak. I mean, I did just reallow myself to like guys again and get back into the dating scene so maybe I'm just being overly crazy given my history. I don't know, whatever the case...I'm still pissed.

How Come

2009-04-06T14:30:00.002-05:00

I'm "supposed" to be writing a paper right now. Actually, I'm supposed to be writing one of two papers right now, instead, I am blogging. This is homework intermission time. So, I had a fantabulous weekend. In a nutshell, the boy I've been crushing on, who I learned binary for, told me that he likes me. Basically, it made me smile really big and I got really excited. I spent all day Saturday with him, throughout which I discovered that we're the same person and then his parents took us to Olive Garden for dinner...so good :) I'm pretty much the happiest girl on the planet right now. Then, I worked all day yesterday so now I'm being punished for procrastinating all weekend and I had to write 3 papers and do a terms notebook today. Oh, I had an "encounter" today.

My roommates and I decided that we wanted to watch Bolt tonight, so I offered to rent it since I had to go out and run a few errands anyway. Well, of course I went to Family Video which is really not an issue because I've gone in there almost everyday for the past week without any "encounters" but of course...the one day I go in before 5pm...there she is. It's ridiculous really. To recap who "she" is...she is the mother of the boy I didn't even date this fall and then didn't even break up with. Does that make sense to you? Probably not. Reader's Digest Version (RDV): We went on 2 dates, we kissed twice, we hung out three times. He fell quasi-in-love with me after like a month. He thought I was the sun, the moon and the stars...the feeling was not mutual. I "broke up" with said boy. I told boy "I think we'd be better off as friends, I'm not really in the right spot for a relationship."

So now, boy's mom hates me. The best part? I've NEVER officially met her. He showed her a picture of me when we were "dating" and showed her my facebook. She only knows who I am because my name pops up when I have to rent a movie. So...back to the encounter:

I walk into Family Video, drop my three returns in the slot and head for the entrance. The lovely little bell dings as I catch her standing behind the counter. Her profile is to me, so that I can see her smiling at the boy filing out an application. As the bell dings, she turns to say hi to me and instantly looks like I just kicked her puppy (or broke her son's heart...lol). I, of course, perkily say "HI!" just to egg her on. Honestly, everytime I go in there, I am as happy as humanly possible and as friendly as ever. So, the reaction was priceless because she was totally prepared to be friendly and say hi...until she saw it was me. So, I laugh in my head and go grab Bolt from the shelf and go right back to the register. Also...she is the ONLY person working and I have to get checked out by her...awesome. So, she asks me for my number, glaring the whole time and then bluntly states "you have a 37 dollar late fee" and I giggle and say "yeah, I know, how much is the movie again?" and she half grunts/half sarcastically says "It's 2.80" and I swear she wanted to say "It's 2.80 you stupid whore." In my head I was laughing so hard. So, then she continues glaring at me, tells me my movie's due back tomorrow at midnight and I say "Thanks so much! Have a great day!" and did everything but skip out of there. Haha.

Burn

2009-04-02T11:56:00.002-05:00

I am so freaking miserable right now. Honestly, this is the worst feeling in the entire world. I have officially had mono now for at least a weak. It's hard to tell how long I've had it because I just started showing symptoms a week ago but I could've had it for longer. I seriously am miserable though. I'll try to sum it up as best as I can. I feel like all my body parts weigh twice as much as they really do. On average I'm awake for 4 hours before I get so tired I have to go back to bed. This morning I walked to Larsen and back and then I had to lay down for an hour. You just feel like you're a prisoner of your own body. I WANT to be awake, I WANT to hang out with friends and do stuff but I can't, I just get so weak and tired so easily. Also, my throat...that's what's pissing me off the most. I can barely swallow anything. My tonsils are so swollen, my throat hurts so bad, I gag everytime I brush my teeth, this sucks so much. I haven't showered today, which is driving me crazy. I shower every day and I put on makeup everyday and I wear my hair in a ponytail maybe once over the course of 2 weeks. My hair has been in a ponytail for 5 days. I feel disgusting but I don't have the energy to get dressed in the morning. I have to pick my battles. I can get up in the morning and shower, but if I put on makeup it's a waste because it'll just come off when I go back to bed in a few hours. If I do shower, by the time I need to blow dry my hair the blow dryer feels like it weighs 50 lbs and my arm starts to hurt after a few minutes. Today, I could barely carry my portfolio to Larsen and back. And, it totally messes with you psychologically. I'm getting so frustrated with everything that I just want to cry. I feel the same way I did when I was depressed except now I don't want to feel this way. When you're depressed you're just wallowing in your own pity but in essence it's just my body that's depressed. I hate lying in bed and I hate being lazy. This morning I cried because I don't have the energy to play guitar. This seriously sucks so much.

Overboard

2009-03-31T20:19:00.002-05:00

So...we're watching the Dancing with the Stars results show and a trailer comes on for 17 again. Basically, I'm excited. I mean, it's been the fall since I've seen Zac Efron in a movie and now here he is again, on the silver screen, in a basketball uniform nonetheless. It's too perfect. It sparked me to quip the comment "Zac Efron, in a movie, wearing a uniform, will he be shirtless? Of course!". I looks pretty fantastic overall. I mean, what can be wrong about a movie with Zac Efron and CHANDLER BING?!?! Oh, and a tiny part of me wants to go see Monsters vs. Aliens because I'm apparently 9 years old. Also, a side note, I'm about to snapping off on a certain person. This certain person doesn't even know I have a blog so I can pretty much say whatever I want about her with exactly no repercussion. Basically, Princess Amber is about on my last nerve and I'm pretty much sick of keeping my mouth shut. Ever since she started dating Nathan she's become this sickening, annoying, person that I frankly, would never associate myself with. Honestly, if I had met her after she started dating him there's no way we'd be friends. It's so annoying to see her behave this way. She has a "Nathan voice" and a "Nathan personality" and it's just so fake and retarded I want to punch her. It's like, we all knew she was a little ditzy and a little fake but ever since he became officially hers, the fake version of Amber has overtaken the real version and I don't even know what happened to the real Amber. What I have now is this bouncing, bubbly, FAKE, baby talking roommate who constantly complains. Seriously, she is always whining and complaining and wishing her life was perfect and I really want to strangle her. She seriously freaks out if she's not in constant communication with him. At first I got really offended when she would constantly blow me off to hang out with him, but now I get offended when she's around because she's so obnoxious I just wish I could pass her off to him. He chased her for 2 years and now he has her and I think he was in no way ready for what he got himself into. She's a trip....I tell ya.

Giving Up

2009-03-30T18:41:00.002-05:00

I'm dying. Let's recap my day so far. Woke up, feeling like crap, showered and went to class. Upon getting to class I just showed Prof. Reiss my homework and then asked to leave. After I left class I stopped by the registrar to figure something out and then headed to health services. I thought I might have strep throat so I just decided to go get a nurse's opinion on it. Well, she took one look at my throat and said "Oh wow, that's some nasty stuff in there." So, now I'm on these crazy antibiotics which makes me a little irritated. Honestly, I haven't taken any drugs willingly since I got my wisdom teeth out and I haven't taken anything so much as Tylenol for even a headache and now I'm on a crazy amount of pills. For example, this z pack I'm on, I had to take 2 this morning, 1 after lunch, 1 after dinner and I have to take 2 before bed. Then my other dose I took 2 this morning and I take one a day for 5 more days. The nurse says that if I'm not "significantly" better on Wednesday then she's doing blood tests for mono. So, I'm really hoping I get better because I don't want to have mono and I REALLY don't want to get my blood drawn. I really am feeling like it might be mono though. I've been exhausted, I literally slept from 10-2 today and then again from 4-5:30. I haven't eaten all day and I just feel like death. Not to mention I have no symptoms of strep throat....all symptoms of mono. Boooooooo.

Be OK

2009-03-29T09:37:00.002-05:00

Okay, so right now I feel the worst I have ever felt. I'm sick. I mean, I am really sick. I haven't been this sick in a long time. I woke up Friday with a cough and my voice was going in and out. By Friday night when I got off work I could feel my head filling with junk. Yesterday, I went to work and everything was making me nauseous. My head felt like it weighed 30 lbs and I got sent home from work early because I "looked like crap". Today...sucks even more. I feel like my throat is the size of dime. I can barely swallow anything, it sucksssss. Oh, and to top off the fact that I'm sick and feel terrible, it SNOWED last night. So angry!! SNOWED!! It's almost April and it snowed 2 inches and we're supposed to have 6 by noon. It's so stupid. I had on flip flops two days ago and now it has snowed! Ugh...and tonight is PI (physical inventory) of the entire store and I'm supposed to work 6pm-1am. I don't know yet if I'm going to work, but I'll see how it goes.

The Way I Am

2009-03-23T20:09:00.003-05:00

Hola lovers and friends,
It's Monday! Monday's are seriously lame, but today was lame in its own unique way. I only had one class, which got over at 9:30, so for approximately the last 14 hours I've been wasting time. I hung out with my beloved Skunkes and caught up on life which was fantasmic. Then...I came back here and cleaned. I pulled all my winter clothes out and swapped them for spring clothes and it was a pain but it's done now!! Also, I realized that I have way too many pairs of shoes, way too many t-shirts, and an extraordinary amount of underwear. So, after the cleaning I ate puppy chow for lunch which I'm sure was absolutely healthy...haha. So, yesterday at work I made Travis try puppy chow because he's never had it. Tragedy...how do you get to be 23 and you've never eaten puppy chow? This afternoon I took a 3 hour nap, which was seriously retarded, because now I'm wide awake. And...my nap sucked. I fell asleep on our futon which is so uncomfortable and it sags in the middle, like seriously, SAGS. If you pull up the mattress you can see that the frame is in fact resting on the closet door stored underneath the couch...it's quite ridiculous. If you sit to the far right or far left you just slide into the middle, so it's better not to fight it. Anyway, woke up to a stiff neck, starvation, and a cheetah eating a gazelle on the animal planet, it was weird, but it explained why I was being chased by a cheetah in my dreams. Um...so Crystal's mom is coming on Wednesday which is cool, makes me excited because the apartment will be clean and nothing makes me happier than a clean apartment :) And...I may or may not be particularly excited for another even occurring this week that I will keep on the DL because I don't know if it's anything yet. K....I'm going to attempt to sleep now.

Peace!

Morning Lullabies

2009-03-20T12:12:00.004-05:00

A sad thing just happened. I wrote a new, really long, beautiful blog about the gorgeousness of the music of Iron & Wine and about how I cry when I hear them...and then blogger ate it. Seriously, the intrawebz eated my blogz. (Photo credit to the amazing Kufkin and her graphic skills and awesome blog fan status)

In a nutshell, it was about how I don't cry when people die, or when I'm sad, or actually ever cry for me, but rather I cry at music, movies and books. I'm a weirdo like that. I mean, a good guitar riff, a gentle melody, the piano transition in the song Caves by Jack's Mannequin...weepfest fo sho. Ah! I can't even explain. Music is just amazing. Seriously, somedays I may not always believe in God, but I always believe in music. It's weird what music does to me. I invented this word, or rather tweaked an already invented word to describe music's effect. "Scorgasm" A play on the word "flavorgasm" which is what happens in your mouth when you eat good food, a "scorgasm" is what happens in your heart, mind and soul when you hear a musical score that just takes the cake on musicality. Such as the entire album Continuum by John Mayer...I called it the $15 orgasm when I bought it because it's just....amazingly beautiful. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room?? Weepfest, love it. Oh, so I taught myself binary. I have a little bit of a crush on a nerd and I've decided to write him a note in binary to ask him to hang out. It's weird and definitely the nerdiest thing I've ever done but it's also amazing, in my opinion. I have nothing to do all day today and it's bliss. I'm going to take a nap and play guitar and draw pictures and finish my top secret binary letter.

0101000001100101011000010110001101100101 01001100011011110111011001100101 01001000001100001011100000111000001101011011011100111001101110011

Die Alone

2009-03-16T22:16:00.002-05:00

Seriously?! I have no words, no that's a blatant lie, I have lots of words. Unfortunately, most of them are 4 letters long, one syllable and would make a priest blush. Most of them are in the general direction of YOU. Yes...YOU, all of you, all of YOU PEOPLE. Okay, not Katherine or Abby, who I know are both loyal readers, but the rest of YOU PEOPLE. You scummy people who I want to cut. I'm so sick and fucking tired of fighting so hard for something that no one cares about. Why the fuck should I try so hard to be your friend when you obviously don't care? I'm done. Seriously, battle over, I give up. There's like 10 people that I want to walk right up to and say "Remember how we were friends once? Remember how I would do anything for you and how I trusted you with my life? Well, that time has passed and I see now that you're only in it if it's convenient for you or if it suits what mood you're in. So....piss off, cuz I deserve better than two-faced mind ninjas with a hidden agenda." But...instead, I won't say that. Instead, I'll vent in my blog, which inevitably someone will read and say "Wow, what a bitch" or "Wow, she's angry" or "Wow, she's in a mood, must be PMS" when really....REALLY what I want you to say is "Wow...she's right, I'm a shitty friend."

Honestly, I'm thinking about that pack up and move thing. I'm thinking about becoming a gypsy and just saying screw people. I'll live like a freaking psychopath, alone in a shack in the woods and just say "suck one" to everyone in the world. Really? Really....I hate people. If I thought I hated them before I was wrong, because I actually do now. I can count on one hand the number of people that I actually trust and can rely on this world and the majority of them share DNA with me. Righteous....blood's thicker than water and all you fools are H20 to me.

Glass

2009-03-13T22:30:00.001-05:00

Bleh, I'm ready to go back to school. I feel out of my element when I'm home. Hella lonely and bored, which I guess isn't really that different from school..bahaha. I had a good day today, which was weird because if you heard what I was doing you'd think, "how could that be fun?" but it was. I went and "babysat" my bff Addi today while her husband was at work. She had an outpatient surgery today so I agreed to chill with her while the hubby was at work so she wouldn't be home alone. It was fun, getting to catch up and all that. I haven't seen her since her wedding which was last May and it was so cool because it was like we'd never even been apart. It's awesome that when shit hits the fan and you feel completely alone, you still have your true friends that never change. It's weird, I mean she's married and we're at completely different points in our life but we're both the same and we still love each other lots and still have tons in common, it's awesome. So, we basically sat around all morning and then went to Panera and got ice cream and it was cool. I'm thinking of heading back to school tomorrow night. I'm baking a cake on Sunday and I'd kind of like to be back early enough to just relax and do that slowly and whatnot. Also, I love having the apartment to myself. Blah...so, I have to go to bed early tonight because I have to go to the DMV tomorrow and I have to look good cuz I'm getting a new driver's license pic, which is good because my current pic...not so hot. I'm 16 and pale and have baby fat and a middle part in my hair, no makeup, awkward awkward awkward stages, captured eternally in the lighting of the DMV, puke. Hopefully take 2 is uber sexay.

Breakable

2009-03-11T03:06:00.002-05:00

I am an epic fail blogger. Seriously, I suck lately. Don't know why, just do. So, currently I'm on spring break, which is more like 10 days of suckfest. I believe I shall call it suckfest 09. What have I done? Let's see, I've slept in til 11 or 12 everyday. I've had a HSM marathon with my mom. I've watched some movies, played a lot of guitar, and just generally been bored. Tomorrow this is bleak hope of getting a pedicure. Oh, and today I found out that one of my best friends, or at least someone I thought to be a best friend is actually a backstabbing beyotch. Awesome. Loving it. Really? Who sells out their best friend to an ex-boyfriend? If you were really "concerned" for my behavior or "cared" about me at all, you would talk to ME, not run and cry to my ex that I'm "destructive". In other news, I've been teaching myself to play The Wings on guitar which is cool, for those of you who aren't movie score nerds that's the theme to Brokeback Mountain, which I happen to love. Oh, let's see, what else? Um...I have a general disdain for all living things at this point. Honestly, I'd kind of like to pack up and move across the country and change my name and live anonymously in poverty the rest of my life, I might be happier. I kind of hate everyone right now. It's like everything I used to think about people I had all wrong and now I'm just so jaded and sick of the bullshit. I had a cool conversation with my brother tonight where I basically just said "I am who I am, I make no apologies, I make no standards, I give up on being what people want me to be, instead, I'll just be who I am." Seriously, I'm so over human beings right now. I hate that people put everyone else in boxes. It's like "oh, you're a 21 year old girl, so you must be this way or that way". Seriously, fuck you. I'm whoever I want. Maybe today I'm nice, maybe tomorrow I'm not, but at least I can look myself in the mirror and say I'm who I am. I didn't change to fit your stupid mold and I'm not behaving in a certain way just because some old person a hundred years ago said it was the proper way to be. I'm a grown ass woman. I know a lot about the world and at the same time I know very little. I'm not afraid of getting hurt and I'm not afraid to put myself out there. I live my life in a way that in 20 years I'll look back and say "Alright, I messed up, I did well, I had fun, I cried a little but in the end I'm smarter and stronger for it and my regrets are very limited."

Ugh, I'm so peeved. Seriously, if you have an "issue" with me, or you think I should act a certain way, feel free to tell me so. Just be prepared for what is probably going to be the worst verbal assault of your life. I will make you cry and I won't feel bad about it. If I didn't want to act a certain way, then I wouldn't, if I'm doing something, assume I'm okay with it and please for the love of God, step off your pedestal, look me in the eyes and say it to my face. In the event I find out you've opened your mouth to someone else before you said it to me, it will be the worst day of your life, I'll make sure of it. You will cry and I will walk away because I don't put up with drama and I don't put up with bitches. If you're going to be a bitch, be prepared, because I am MUCH better at it, I'll tear your eyes out. I played nice girl for too long and now, nice is over. The second you open your mouth about me to someone else, you have just personally declared that you no longer deserve nice, so be ready, because it's on like donkey kong bitch and I'm the top scorer in this little game.

Mushaboom-Dedicated to Abby

2009-02-28T15:40:00.003-06:00

Abby said...that if I have a happy blog I have to name it Mushaboom, so there it is :)

Basically, I'm retarded and I get all down on myself and I feel like blog 1234 was a symbol of what bad days are like. Thursday was a bad day. This week was a loooooong week and I'm really glad it's Saturday. I mean, yes, granted I am doing homework but Crystal and I have kind of made this Saturday homework tradition and it makes it a fun thing, not as much of a chore. I have 16 sketches for figure studies due on Tuesday and a very big hist/syst test so that's what I'm working on. Also, tonight Adriene is coming over and we're watching American Psycho and perhaps a boy is joining us....dun dun dun!

Oh, so the main reason this is a happy blog is because I just watched Garden State. Crystal had never seen it and I honestly hadn't watched it in over a year. I remember that it's one of my favorite movies but I never remember until I actually watch it. So, we're watching and it gets to the end when Let Go by Frou Frou is playing and Zach Braff is all eating Natalie Portman's face off and I'm crying and Crystal's crying and I'm just sitting her in the awesomeness of this movie. I mean, it's weird and quirky and doesn't really have an intricate plot but I cry everytime! It's so good, I love it. Oh and then I'm like, dang...Zach Braff looks like a good kisser, which then proceeded to spur on this whole conversation with Crystal on what other actors look like good kissers and then I compiled my list.

Celebs I Wouldn't Mind Making Out With, Results Compiled Based Solely on Apparent Making Out Abilities, Looks Not a Major Factor and In No Particular Order

1. Zach Braff
2. Joshua Jackson (PACEY!!)
3. Josh Lucas (Sweet Home Alabama...ya know, the redneck hottie)
4. Patrick Dempsey
5. Dermot Mulroney (the kiss in The Wedding Date outside the bachelorette party...holy crap)
6. Viggo Mortensen (think LOTR Aragorn, eat your face off kiss with Liv Tyler in RotK)
7. John Mayer (I've never ever seen him kiss anyone, but look at his lips!)
8. Johnny Depp (no explanation needed)

Side note: I can sort of play guitar now and I can kind of play Mushaboom which makes me smile...for obvious reasons

Also, I found out my mom reads my blog.....HI MOM!

Sea Lion Woman

2009-02-28T12:56:00.000-06:00

This is a celebratory blog. I have officially finished my 17 essay questions! I have a test in history and systems on Tuesday and he gives us these dumb questions every day at the end of class and then we have to study them all for the test. The best part is...there are 17 of them and he only chooses like 4 but they're worth 40% of the test grade, something he neglected to inform us on exam 1 which basically resulted in me suckinnng on that test. So, I finished them this morning and I'll be studying them tomorrow night...woot. Oh, and I still have to finish my sketches but now I can solely focus on them tonight after work and tomorrow night.

1234

2009-02-26T18:02:00.003-06:00

So, I have no idea what my deal is. Once again I went like 2 weeks without writing a blog. I've been crazy busy. I'm working a lot, when I'm not working I'm going to class, when I'm not in class I'm doing homework and when I'm not doing one of those things then I'm sleeping. I'm like...uber depressed lately. I spend a lotttt of time studying and I'm starting to get burnt out. Also, I'm crazy lonely. Like, I spend the majority of my time alone and it is really starting to get to me. For instance, yesterday I had only one class and I didn't have to work until 5 but I had a test today. I literally went to class, spent the ENTIRE day in the library and went straight to work. I can count the number of hours I spent in conversation on one hand. Recently I just feel like if I were to stop talking altogether and not have any friends, no one would really notice. I used to be surrounded by this huge posse of friends and I would always have someone to talk to and it just seems like I have no one now. It really sucks. I mean, I'm super close with my roommates and I love them lots and lots but they're busy too and they have their own stuff and I just feel like I'm not really wanted. We had a chapel speaker a week ago that said that we shouldn't feel jealous when someone else seems blessed because it just means that it's their turn and our turn is coming. Well, it seems like my turn hasn't come for a LONG time. I'm trying not to be bitter, but it's really hard to be happy and joyful when everyone but you is happy. I get so sick of Amber gallivanting off with Nathan all the time and having no real responsibility. She's not "allowed" to have a job, and her major doesn't require hours upon hours of textbook reading, and she has no real worries in life and it's so annoying. She doesn't know what family problems are like, she doesn't know what money problems are like and she's never had to scrimp and save for a thing in her life...EVER. I mean, I love her and somehow even though we're very very different, we're also the exact same. It's just really hard to be happy for people sometimes when your shit is constantly hitting the fan and they're constantly carefree. I just feel like at the age of 21 I'm already completely miserable. I keep trying to find the light in my life, the something in my life that gives me joy or hope and I see nothing. I see myself going to school for what? I don't even know what I want to do with myself. Oh, not to mention that apparently my ex thinks I'm some sort of psycho and he's cut off all forms of communication with me, which is awesome and makes me feel like a leper. After I stood by him for 2 years, through all his depression and damaging behavior. I woke him up in the morning I kissed him goodnight before bed, I was his right hand, I was his drive and now...I do ONE thing that he doesn't approve of and he's written me off as a human being. It's awesome...really, I love when people give up on you. I just hate my life right now.

So Sorry

2009-02-13T11:17:00.004-06:00

So, I haven't written a blog in 2 weeks. That's...a little insane. Basically, in a nutshell, the last 2 weeks can be summed up in a few sentences. I'm busy, I'm depressed, and I'm tired of drama. Let's see...my birthday is in 4 days!! Woot, I'll be 21, an age typically celebrated with oodles of alcohol and partying but not for me. I'm not really the partying type and while it's great that I can officially drink legally I really don't even care. On my birthday I'll be getting my tattoo...so, that's exciting. It's the tattoo I first drew when I was 18 and now it's finally to the point where I'm ready to make it permanently on my back :) Amber's going with me to hold my hand and keep me distracted on Tuesday and then we're going to watch High School Musical 3 which comes out on my birthday! It's silly to think that a 21 year old would be excited about that coming out on her birthday.

Today I didn't have school :) and so Crystal and I are spending the whole day watching Dawson's Creek. We're about 7 episodes into season 4 and it's pretty exciting. I've cried a few times, mostly due to the song Fields of Gold playing in the background and I find myself laughing at all the angst-y moments that Dawson has, he's such a little whiny beyotch. Then again, who am I to judge?

I'm Waiting

2009-01-30T23:39:00.002-06:00

So, January's almost over. I don't really know where it went. It all went by so fast. I can't complain though, the faster January goes by the faster February comes which means my birthday is soon. I don't actually care about my birthday. I mean, sure I should, I'm turning 21 which apparently some consider to be a big deal but I honestly don't care about the day in that aspect. I'm excited because I'm getting my tattoo. The one I've wanted for 3 years. It's finally happening :) In 18 days...I will have a giant flaming butterfly on my back. Judge me accordingly, I don't care.

Change Your Mind

2009-01-25T12:31:00.002-06:00

Where do I start? I guess I can start with hypocrisy. I can start with the title of my blog. "Living Crazy Love" it comes from a book entitled "Crazy Love" that I read this summer that changed my life. Unfortunately it didn't actually change my life, it just introduced a brief intermission into my life. My life "changed" for about 4 months. Just as everyone predicted it would, just as I had been warned, I didn't even last half a year as the new me. Now...I'm at this place where I'm happy but I'm unhappy. Let me explain:

I've been living my life by my standards. Doing what I want, when I want and feeling no guilt or shame if doing what I want isn't the same as what God wants. It's weird but that huge hole that was in my heart at the beginning of the summer creeped its way back into my chest. I read Crazy Love and began to realize what my problem was. Between the text of the book, the words of a few sermons I'd heard I began to realize that I'd been portraying my heavenly Father like I see my earthly Father. It's natural really, you do it without even realizing. You take all your relationships and you put them in this frame that you've developed and you're really not even conscious of the things you're doing. In my head I'd pinned God to be this loving man who would protect me and love me but when I started to screw up he'd abandon me. I'd decided that if I didn't come to him he'd just forget about me. I guess in my head I thought as long as I wasn't actively communicating with him, he'd have no idea of what I was doing behind his back. Honestly, that's the relationship I have with my father. I don't tell him what I'm up to, I call him when it's convenient for me and I never expect anything of him because he let me down once and he'll just do it again. Somewhere along the lines I put God in that frame. I decided I'd stop calling him. I decided I'd tell God about all the good things in my life, thank Him for what He's done in my life, tell Him how happy I am and then he'd never know about the real hole inside me.

It's been like this for a few months. I was good this summer, I had rules that kept me in line, I had expectations for my life, I was content with what God had handed me, but somewhere I fell. My life is this neverending pattern. In the fall I act out, I get bad grades, I slip, I stumble, I wallow in my own pity and confusion and then somewhere around February the veil is lifted and I begin to see God again. It frustrates me to no end. God doesn't disappear from August-January, I just close the door on Him, put Him in his box and hide away from Him, or so I think. I haven't gone to church since I got back from Christmas break. I thought of all kinds of excuses. I've worked every Sunday so I can't go to church, when in reality I don't start work til 3 and I could make it to church. I also thought of how if I go to Manteno then I'm on the third wheel on the Amber and Nathan bicycle, but somehow I didn't think God would consider that a good excuse. Then, by some bizarre circumstance, I derived theological, spiritual enlightening from Runaway Bride.

Instead of church this morning, I sat in my pj's watching Runaway Bride. My reasoning behind picking it was that I love Julia Roberts and hadn't seen the movie in awhile. Apparently...God was behind it. Here I am watching this movie and I have this bug in my head. It's been in there since June. I don't know what to call it so I guess I'll just call it "hatred of matrimony". I decided somewhere around June, somewhere around breaking up with Eric, somewhere around disappointing event number 635 that I would NEVER get married. That marriage is just a superficial act of submission that would ultimately end in me being disappointed and forgotten. Now along with this decision came the decision to sabotage any and all relationships that came along...except I didn't even know I was doing that until just now. I had decided that I was going to act like a man, or at least like the men I know. That I would pick and choose who I wanted to be with and when I wanted to be with them and if it didn't work for them, too bad, because it's my life. I started "dating" 4 separate guys this semester. And basically I pushed every single one away, into a box, behind a door and into a frame I set up for them. Because if I'm in control, if I'm the boss then they can't hurt me, and I was right, they didn't hurt me, I did the job for them. I decided somewhere along the lines that I didn't deserve a prince, I decided that guys were good for one thing and when I didn't want that one thing then I didn't want a guy around and that worked just fine for me. Why date if you don't ever want to get married?

So, here I am on a Sunday sitting alone drinking coffee and watching this movie. She runs away from 4 weddings and I'm sitting here going "see? that's me". I've run away from 4 guys this semester. Not that any of them were "the one" or had anywhere near that potential, but I've been purposely lowering my standards, settling for whatever comes along because then I don't feel bad when it fails. When I lose the attention of someone I never wanted in the first place then I win. So...Runaway Bride, it's on, I'm watching, it gets to the end and suddenly I'm crying. Now, I could just say "I'm hormonal, this is stupid" but somewhere in my heart something actually breaks. I felt it. I'm sitting in my apartment watching some lame chick flick and I have a spiritual enlightening. God is my groom, he's standing at the altar, I can see him, I'm maintaining eye contact and then I get spooked. I panic at the thought of growing up, at the thought of opening my heart up to anyone and I run. I jump on a horse, on a motorcycle, on a FedEx truck and I bolt out of there. Now, I'm sitting on a balcony and I'm proposing to God. Here's Julia Roberts proposing to Richard Gere and she's pouring her heart out, admitting her mistakes and taking the first step forward in growing up and making a change and I can feel God pulling at me.

I need to grow up. I need to just let my heart be open. So, I've been let down. So the men in my life have been serial disappointers. I realize now that I'm not content with these flings, with these emotionless connections. I can't just be this way. The more and more I let guys in this way the more and more I lose myself. It's that idea that the more you convince yourself something is true the more you actually start to believe it. I'd convinced myself that I never wanted true love and I had started to believe it. I'd convinced myself that I'd be content to just screw around my entire life and never have commitment when all along I was kidding myself. The funny thing is that I wasn't running away from commitment with guys, that doesn't bother me, I still don't know if I want that, I was just running away from commitment with God.

I still don't know if I'll ever get married. I don't know if I'll ever be able to open my heart up to let a man love me the way I deserve, but I know that I have to let God. I know now that what's going on in my heart is a lack of faith. Pastor Todd said 3 Sundays ago that "sexualy immorality is a lack of faith in God. It's lacking the faith that God is going to satisfy those needs and feelings for you and taking control yourself." He also said that people that struggle with things like that were given a gift from God we're just using it in the wrong way. So, I know, I'm supposed to love people the rest of my life. I know my gift from God is that I always to satisfy and make people happy and expect nothing in return. I know now that the way I go about life right now is very destructive and I need to grow up, turn in my running shoes and grab ahold of God because he's the only one that can turn this runaway around.

Move Along

2009-01-20T17:18:00.002-06:00

Holy Blog Batman! I haven't been on here in almost 2 weeks....sad day. I really have no reason not to be blogging. I had two "snow" days last week. They were more "severe weather condition" days, being that it was -35 outside....sick. I was uber productive on those days. Not showering, watching all the Ocean's movies, about 3 musicals, all of season 1 of Viva La Bam...twice, eating an entire large Papa John's pizza, the usual stuff. Now, it's back to the grindstone for my nose. I had back to back classes today 8:30-4:15 but thankfully it's over. Tuesdays/Thursdays are going to be rough days for me. I spend the day going back and forth across campus, poor planning on my part but at least I'll get some exercise. I think it's going to be a good semester even though I can already tell a large portion of my free time is going to be spent diving into textbooks...though I'll probably survive. I got a new Bible that has for some reason inspired me. I don't know what my deal has been lately. It's like, I've been living a life I KNOW isn't right and I've been acting in a way I KNOW is wrong and I just haven't cared. I've been very apathetic and it finally caught up to me. I saw it in my attitude, others saw it in my attitude, it was all there. Like permanent PMS, I couldn't stop snapping at people and just being an overall beyotch to everyone. Interestingly enough, today in Christian Scriptures, Prof Blanchette read out of Genesis. Now...having grown up in the church I thought I knew all of Genesis, but apparently I missed a really good verse that's been there all along.

Genesis 4:7
"If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it."

God to Sarah...come in...come in...this verse is for you today, so pay attention. So...I'm going to do well, this time, promise.

Top of the World

2009-01-08T23:11:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I've complained the last 5 days about how much my break has sucked and it was all redeemed in one day. Today my mom, aunt and I spent the entire day together just being girls and having fun. We started off the day with manicures, pedicures and eyebrow waxing and from there headed to an early bird dinner. We ate at Alexander which I haven't had in seriously 4 years, so...steak dinner mmmmm good. Then we headed to Gordman's where I picked up new perfume :) Then to TJ Max where I got a delightful scarf, Best Buy where I got a new digital camera and from there to the mall where I got new lip gloss and my fave...cappucino chiller from GJ's. So...yes I got spoiled rotten but that's not even the point. It wasn't about the fact that I got new stuff, I got to hang out with seriously two of my favorite women and it was awesome. My mom and aunt are the women who raised me and I see it in myself everyday. Any part of me that is good or strong or independent or smart, I've got from these two women. They bring out the best in me. I laughed all day long. I can honestly say that I have just as much fun with two 45 year old women as I do with my own best friends. They are a blast and it is so much fun. We talked about everything, from boys to sex to clothes to food to diets...EVERYTHING. I can tell them anything and they'll never judge me or scold me or make me feel immature. They treat me as an adult, as an equal and it makes me feel better than anything. They are two of the strongest women I know. They've lived a lifetime in just 45 years and they're so wise and I absolutely love them. I had an amazing day and it was so awesome. I'm pretty sure singing Single Ladies with mom and Chris ranks up there on the top 10 greatest moments of my adult life.

My Paper Heart

2009-01-06T23:49:00.002-06:00

Today was the world's most boring day. Basically I didn't wake up until 11:30 and from then on I did pretty much nothing. I made a pot of coffee, cleaned the bathroom, did a couple loads of laundry and took down the Christmas tree but other than I feel pretty unproductive. I didn't shower...I have on the epitome of no makeup whatsoever. I mean usually I say "I have no makeup on" and I at least have mascara or concealer but today...nothing. I watched 4 movies? Maybe 5? Charlie's Angels, Armageddon, Jumper, Dan in Real Life...okay four. I played a little bit of Guitar Hero, not much though. Oh, my mom has a broken wrist. She fell on the ice coming home from playing pool and it's definitely broken. She hasn't gone to the hospital yet, cuz we don't have health insurance so she's waiting til morning when Prompt Care is open. I told her she better go or I'd stab her so she had to. It'd be a stab of love though, don't get me wrong. Tomorrow...is January 7th...now that doesn't mean anything to any of you, but it means something to me. It would've been my 2 year anniversary with Eric. As of right now I'm completely unemotional about it. I realize we're broken up, I realize that we'll probably never be together again, but I'm okay. I mean, I'm looking at the fact that I'm only 20, that I have a whole huge world ahead of me and that I have plans in my life that don't rely on or even involve a man. I'm going to grad school. Probably staying at Olivet for it, jumping on full time at BBY and just living for myself and God. I am throwing men out of my life because I really don't have a place for them right now. Regardless, Tyler is still coming over this week, or I'm going to see him, whichever...I HAVE to see that boy. For the record, I haven't seen him since I was 13 and I def miss him and he's supremely awesome and should be a part of my life and will be. Now that we're grown ups and only 4 hours away and we can both drive...there's no reason we should go 7 years between each visit. Plus...he's sexy :) Fo realz though, he's a cool kid and I miss him!!

In other news, Christmas break should be over. It has SUCKED to the nth degree and I'm just ready to start class and get this dumb semester over with. I miss being in my groove, having my routine down. I hate waking up at a different time everyday and having no reason to get dressed. The fact that I haven't worn makeup in 2 days is just...weird. I mean yesterday I showered, blow dried my hair and was just like "why waste makeup?" so I just didn't put any on. I also...wore a t-shirt, which is very unlike me. Today...I wore a thermal. It's like...whoa, I haven't even tried to look cute for anyone and it's been so strange. Anyway, tomorrow...I am putting on makeup and I am doing my hair, because even if Tyler doesn't come tomorrow, I still want to feel pretty for a day. I can't sit around on my 2 year anniversary feeling like he's not missing out on something, because he is and I hope it drives him nuts all day tomorrow. I hope he realizes how big of a mistake he made walking away from me and I hope I realize how beautiful I am without him.

Dance Inside

2009-01-04T23:21:00.003-06:00

So, things have turned around I guess. I'm not quite the Debbie Downer I was a few days ago. I had to drive back to B-town today, but it was worth the trip because I was informed that I'm no longer an "occasional/seasonal" employee but that I'm "part-time" so...yay!! No more job-limbo-jeopardy worries :) Um...happiness can be bought, at the low price of $3.o7 including tax one can obtain an iced mocha from McDonald's that is actually quite delicious, I discovered this today. I also discovered that I can sing B.Y.O.B on Guitar Hero World Tour on medium and get an 88% which I feel is quite good for a girl singing a song meant for a scary man. Oh, and I don't have to work for the next week!! And...Tyler might come visit :) So, things are looking up. Right now though...I'm basically exhausted. After getting up early for church, driving all the way to B-town and back and playing GHWT for like 3 hours...I'm bushed. Tomorrow I have to do laundry and help my mom put away Christmas decorations, which should be....thrilling. And...as a side note I think...I'm moving on, which is good for me.

Straightjacket Feeling

2009-01-01T21:20:00.002-06:00

I picked AAR for my song titles this month but I have Death Cab lyrics floating through my head.

"So this is the new year, and I don't feel any different"

I just...don't know what to do anymore. I'm feeling so hopeless in my life. I don't know what's causing it really. I've been on "vacation" the past 3 weeks, and I use the term vacation loosely because I've worked 40 hours every week. Now, I'll be really grateful for that when I have a paycheck but I'm really having no fun at all over break. On Sunday night I hung out with the girls, the one thing that could've been fun and it just wasn't. It isn't the same anymore. I honestly think I'd been kidding myself. Thinking that we'd always be friends and that we'd overcome any obstacle that might stand in the way of lifelong friendship...I was wrong. I don't tell them anything anymore. Actually, I don't tell anyone anything anymore. I just feel like no one really cares about how I feel. I mean, everyone's so wrapped up in themselves these days I guess I feel like no matter who I say what to, in the end, they really only care about themselves. I don't even talk to my mom about stuff anymore because I just assume that everyone has enough problems of their own, they don't need mine too. Honestly, I'm so unhappy. I haven't been happy in the past 6 months. I've gotten REALLY good at faking it though. My family has no idea how depressed I've been this semester. How my grades sucked because I skipped so many classes this semester there's no way I could've saved them. I don't really know why I skipped class. I just did. I don't care about next semester at all. I'm not looking forward to any of my classes, to anything at all really. I feel like I'm an afterthought in everyone's lives. Like if I didn't go back to school no one would really miss me, I was a vapor last semester, that's all I'll be next semester. The one person who has actually expressed interest in me...I can't be with right now and it's killing me. I HATE THIS.

Sad Songs

2008-12-31T20:15:00.003-06:00

I'm in hiding right now. I just got off work an hour ago, and came home for our New Year's Eve "party". And by party I mean my mom, my aunt and uncle, my 3 cousins under the age of 12, and my mom's best friend and her parents...so this is awesome. I basically became depressed the second I entered the door. To be honest, most of today I forgot it was New Year's Eve. I really only remembered because we closed the store early tonight. The entire drive home I just listened to music and cried. When I came in the house I went straight to my room to change clothes and touch up my makeup so no one would notice. After I finish this blog I'll have to repeat the makeup touch up because I'm crying as I write this. It's New Year's Eve, so naturally I'm reflecting on last year. And basically, those thoughts alone are fueling this entire sob fest. When I think about what I accomplished in 2008 it pretty much totals up to nothing. I spent the car ride home from work thinking about how exactly 365 days ago I was at Italia Gardens with Eric, and how at midnight I kissed him and laughed at people shooting off their cannons in Flint. I thought about how I spent the last week of Christmas break with him. I remember how we spent the week chilling with Nick and basically devouring taquitos, pizza rolls and a LOT of ranch dressing. I remember how ate Little Caesars and watched hockey. How we drove all the way back to Olivet listening to music and inventing the "veto/deveto" rule. I remember seeing the really bright LED sign for diamonds and jokingly elbowing him. I remember how I thought I'd be engaged by the end of 2008. Instead...this year has sucked. It was nothing like how I thought it would be. And now...my family wants me to be perky and happy, they want me to act in their silly little New Year's play and welcome in 2009. Why on Earth would I be looking forward to next year when this one sucked so much?

Then I'll Be Smiling

2008-12-25T20:39:00.002-06:00

I don't really know where to even start...it's Christmas, but it doesn't really feel like it. I mean, by all standards it's Christmas. There's snow on the ground, the tree is up, there are candy canes in the kitchen, a gingerbread house on the table, we opened presents this morning, all of that but I really just don't feel it. I got great stuff for Christmas, it's been a great day but I just don't feel it. My heart hurts. I'm really confused as to how I feel right now. There are a million things in my head and my heart and I really can't even decipher any of them. I'm exhausted. I've worked every day but two (including today) since I've been home. I haven't seen any of my girl friends, talked to Amber or Crystal and I haven't really had time to sit and talk to my mom about anything serious either. I have a lot of stuff going on in my life and I just don't really feel like I can tell any one person all of it. It's too much for me to handle, how can I ask anyone to understand? Maybe I just need the new year. Maybe some magic event will transpire on January 1st that would make my life 100% easier. Somehow...I doubt that will happen, but until then I'll keep wishing and maybe if it happens, then I'll be smiling.

Pretty the World

2008-12-16T08:20:00.003-06:00

Ladies and gentlemen....I am procrastinating. Actually, here's the deal. My alarm was going to go off at 7:30, I was going to study for an hour and a half, get dressed and go take my final in Theories. Then...I got a text at 6:30 and realized I was wide awake, so I started studying early. So now it's only 8:21, I've poured theories into my head, memorized my scripture for the essay question, 1 Corinthians 4:5 "Therefore do not judge anything before the appointed time, wait until the Lord comes. He will bring into light that which is in darkness and will reveal the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.", and...I made cinnamon rolls. Now, I'm afraid if I keep studying I'll just forget more rather than remember more. I'm listening to Baba O'Riley which for some reason really gets me pumped. After my theories final I'm going to take down the Christmas tree and "pack" I put pack in quotation marks because really I'm just going to dump my dresser drawers into a suitcase, really...I am. I'm home for a month..I need EVERYTHING.

Also, I look like death today, I'm not showering because I don't care, I have two cumulative finals and I'm driving home today, who cares if I look hot or not? Now watch, Murphy's law states that I'll run into at least 3 people today that actually care what I look like, because that always happens. It's always on the day you're in sweats with no make-up and your hair in a ponytail that you run into the hot guy you had a class with once and quasi-flirted with. Ugh, this thought alone should make me want to look good today, but that's how much I don't care. Also...I've gone through approximately a liter of Coke this morning. I'm hoping that cinnamon rolls and Coke make some crazy chemical reaction that magically allow me to remember 18 chapters of personality theorists. Actually, the more I think about how I feel right now, the more I feel like I'm going to puke. This is not good.

Oh, so my last final ends at 6 today and I'm hoping to be on the road by no later than 6:30 because apparently we're getting a snow storm today....awesome. Not to mention, I have to work tomorrow in Bloomington at 9:30..now...um..if it snows...I'm SCREWED. I live in the f-ing country, on a road with one house...MINE and they never plow it, like EVER, until like 3 in the afternoon, so I'll have to 4 wheel drive myself to work....SUCK. Oh, but really, I'm in a good mood today. I got a nice wake up text that started my day with a smile :) So, I guess I'll study more? Or maybe I'll just shower...or maybe....I'll throw up. Yeah...that last idea sounds about right. Ugh, cinnamon rolls and coke...you are the bane of my existence!

The Weight of It All

2008-12-15T10:40:00.003-06:00

I HATE FINALS. Seriously, I hate them. Here's what I have to do before I'm free to go home:
~Work 4-11:30 today
~Theories final at 10 tomorrow
~Ceramics conference at 2
~Stats final at 4

Also, I have to pack, study more, and take down the Christmas decorations in the apartment. Booooo. Not to mention I've pretty much lost my desire to be around certain people. In a nutshell, I think this month break from everyone is MUCH needed. I'm ready to come back in January with a clean slate and hopefully turn over a new leaf. A leaf that has nothing to do with any drama from this semester. I'm hoping I'll come back to only 2 roommates in my apartment, no ex-boyfriends still in love with me, no 2 am texts from douchebags, no angry glares from strangers. I'm just very much in need of a BREAK. I have lots of plans for break. Lots of working, playing guitar hero, eating fudge, hopefully visiting Tyler, spending time with my girls, and lots of sleep :)

Still

2008-12-07T17:57:00.003-06:00

Apparently I forgot I had a blog. Actually, I didn't, I just lost my will to live for the past week. Seriously, I don't know what the deal is. I went to bed at 10 or 11 every night. I just went through the motions this week, barely functioning as a human, just existing. Life imploded and then subsequently exploded and now it's just there. I'm just trying to make it through this week and finals and get the hell out of here. I seriously do not think I can handle one more thing. I just want to go home to my bed, to my house, to my family and forget this ENTIRE semester. I'd really REALLY just like to skip ahead to January and start over with life. Seriously. This semester can be summed up in one word:

FAIL

So Beautiful

2008-11-30T13:10:00.002-06:00

I could not think of a better song title for this blog, it is SO BEAUTIFUL outside. It's as if God has given me the okay to be in a Christmas mood. When I left home on Friday to drive back to Bourbonnais my house was still in fall mode, there was pumpkin pie on the counter, it smelled like leaves, it was nice. Then yesterday I get back and my entire house is decorated for Christmas, it smelled like mint and pine and I was starting to feel Christmas coming and then I wake up this morning and there is the most beautiful snowfall ever. It was just so gorgeous. I was immediately in a great mood. I didn't even care that I had to sweep like 6 inches of snow off my car, it was just so perfect. I'm listening to Christmas music, looking at the tree and just feeling so good right now. I have the hottest, most perfect, cup of coffee sitting next to me and I just love it. There's something about the cozy, Christmas feeling of my house right now that has just put me at complete rest. Also...Michael Buble and Harry Connick Jr. are amazing and their Christmas songs are the best :)

I LIght My Own Fires Now

2008-11-27T19:29:00.002-06:00

Yay for Thanksgiving!! Boo for my food baby :( I seriously don't think I could eat a crumb more. That's the thing about divorced parents, sometimes they don't always key in the fact that their kids have to cram in two Thanksgivings in one day. I had paternal Thanksgiving at 12:30 and maternal Thanksgiving at 4, basically my stomach is saying "Please do not put anything else in here!". (That's also what she said). It was a relatively alright day (no pun intended). My mother's best friend, my "aunt", did manage to piss me off before 11 and by 11:30 I had cussed at both her and my mother. I later apologized to my mom, but I'm not sorry for yelling at my aunt, she deserved it. She mentioned to my mother that she recently went on a pill that helped her lose 20 pounds and that maybe she should put me on it. All the while, I'm one room away and I can hear everything she's saying. So...in a nutshell I explained that I am 20 years old and no one can "put" me on anything, it's my own choice. I also explained that I'm perfectly happy with my current physique and it took me a long ass time to get to a place where I like myself and if she doesn't agree that's just fine but she can keep it to herself. I also explained that if she cared to notice at all I haven't taken a pill, not even an aspirin in the last 5 years, so why would I start now? There's really no better way to start a holiday revolving around eating than by being told you're fat...awesome. Overall though, once my aunt left Thanksgiving was awesome opposum. I'd still be with my family but they're watching Hancock and not only have I already seen it, I didn't like it the first time so I felt that the second time through would be definite overkill. I'll rejoin them in a few minutes at which point I will resume playing Guitar Hero World Tour with my brother, the coolest kid in the family. Oh, and I'm excited because I'm going to be a second cousin x 2! My cousin's girlfriend is pregnant and expecting in May and my step-cousin is pregnant and expecting in April, yay for Thanksgiving-ness. Oh, and I only have 2 weeks til I'm back with the fam again and on December 20th my ENTIRE family will be home for the first time in years. My cousin in the army, my cousin in Colorado, and my cousin from Indy will all be back home for Christmas!! Much excitement is in the air :)

The Secret's In The Telling

2008-11-25T12:43:00.002-06:00

I think I'm in the middle of a conspiracy. Granted, it's probably my own fault but I'd really like to know what the heck is going on. In the past 2 days, three guys I'm friends with on facebook all deleted me. Now, that wouldn't be that abnormal because stuff like that happens I realize but they're all three on the football team and it's all very random. Now...a while back I was stupid and got myself involved with a guy on the team and now all of the sudden people are being strange around me. I'm beginning to think that maybe this guy opened his mouth...which granted, is my fault. If I don't want rumors and crap going around about me I should just behave like a normal human but really this is a strange situation. I'm beginning to think there's something that people think they know about me when really they have no idea. I don't really know what to do in this situation. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it but really I don't even know where to begin. I'm getting super frustrated with life. It seems as soon as things start to go well, as soon as I get my hopes up about something, something else comes along to destroy what little joy I've found. It's absolutely ridiculous. I'm about to the point where I'm just going to give up on everything and just go about my business, go to class, go to work and have no social interactions in between. I don't get it. I can't catch a break.

Hey Girl

2008-11-20T12:02:00.003-06:00

Goodness sakes it's been a long time since I last posted. I have been quiiiiite busy with life. Lots of assignments, lots of work, lots of sickness :(. It's all good now though. I didn't have my 12 o'clock class today :) Now I'm free til 3:30 and have nothing to do...that's a lie, I have homework but I'll start it in 30 minutes...promise. Right now I'm having one of those days where I really love myself. You know, you have your ugly days, your days where you just don't feel like there's any reason to be awake, today is not one of those days. Chapel today was good, there was a neat interpretive dance thingy that I liked. Then in Theories class I had a good time, as usual, because Dr. Veit has got to be one of those professors that I'm always going to remember. He's amazing and I always look forward to his class. In general I'm just glad to be alive and I feel really blessed. I'm really looking forward to going home next week. It's been over a month since I last saw my family and I just really really really miss them. I'm looking forward to Guitar Hero with my brother and talking to my mom and my girls night out/sleepover. Today, I just feel like a goofball. I'm just a weird girl. I was thinking of what exactly makes me who I am and it's really quite strange.

I'm the girl who no matter what, if someone says the word "faithfully", I'm going to start singing Journey in my head. I'm the type of girl where it doesn't matter how cute the boy is, or how amazing he may be, if he's a Packers fan....all bets are off. I'm OBSESSED with the show Friends, I know them as well as my own friends, and I see nothing wrong with this. Cake is the single most greatest dessert created ever. It is even better than pumpkin pie, which is a close call, but not that close. Dashboard Confessional is and will always be one of my favorite bands ever. It doesn't matter if it's 1998, 2008 or 2028, they are and all always will be amazing. The Jane Austen Book Club is a terribly underrated movie and it makes me want to fall in love again. Spending Christmastime in Chicago is one of the greatest pasttimes ever. The Christmas tree at the Kriskringlmarkt has the ability to make me cry every year and it always will. "The Bean" in Millenium Park is highly overrated, it is just a giant shiny metal object and everyone's obsession with it proves that Americans are not all there in the head, but still I have at least 100 picturs of myself with it. There is and always will be a tiny special place in my heart for any and all defensive linemen. I hate hockey, the puck moves too fast and all the players are ugly. You watch the game for 9 hours to see 3 points scored, it's dumb. I kick butt at Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture Edition, especially if Christian is on my team. I absolutely love sports, fall would not be fall if football didn't exist. The best day in the world is a day where you are at a football game in a hoodie with hot chocolate in your hand, nothing better exists. I'd rather be on a date at a Bears game than to a romantic dinner. It is not necessary for boys to open doors for me, I have two hands of my own that are very capable of doing so, they can still open the doors for me though, just as long as they realize I can do it on my own, I'm simply LETTING them help me out. I have a bizarre obsession with movies. I know way too much useless information and I'm bound to spit it out at any given moment. Some people think I'm annoying, I think I'm interesting, it's your call. My younger brother is the coolest kid to have walked the planet and he is my best friend, hands down. He may be the funniest kid I know but I can still kick his butt at Guitar Hero. My mom is my hero, my role model, my bff for life. She answers the phone "What up ho?" and she has a facebook. She's hotter than me and funnier than me and if I'm cool at all it's all because of her, she rocks. I am the woman I am today because of amazing people and an insurmountable God who formed me especially for a purpose. I'm really proud of who I am today. I'm really proud of what I stand for and every little bizarre quirk that God gave me to make me who I am.

Bend and Not Break

2008-11-12T23:14:00.002-06:00

I am so tired right now. It's only 11:14 but I'm fully set on writing this post, drinking a cup of hot chocolate and crawling into bed. Today was...interesting. It was a pretty good day, spent the majority of it at work, then choir, then spent 4 hours in the ceramics studio. It was nice, just me, the clay and my laptop. I realized having my iTunes on shuffle is really annoying because most of the songs don't flow together at all, my taste is so eclectic. At one point it jumped from Wham to Underoath to Michelle Branch to Queen...I was so thrown off. I did however make a wicked awesome Egyptian pyramid incense burner. I'm a little bit frustrated right now, but trying not to be. Tomorrow is one of my busiest class days and I'm really not looking forward to it. I am, however, looking forward to baking a cake tomorrow night. It's a "concussion" cake. See....Christian got a concussion last Saturday and now he can't play in the game this Saturday so I'm baking him a cake to make him feel better. Also, I have a yearbook deadline on Friday at like 5...yucky. Also...Crystal is really sick and I really hope I don't catch whatever she has. Peace out.

The Swiss Army Romance

2008-11-10T22:09:00.003-06:00

What is it about Mondays? They're never exciting, often times they're stressful, and generally...I hate them. I'm feeling like Renee right now...that's cryptic I know, but I mean it to be. I'm struggling and I know it. I'm feeling the heaviness of caving in, the heaviness of despair and longing. There's just too much going on right now and I don't know where to take any of my thoughts. I find myself running to bed instead of running to Him. My body is starting to mimic my mind. My arms are heavy, my eyelids tired, my face is broken out from stress, my heart literally feels heavy. It feels like it takes twice as much effort to breathe, like my lungs are made of iron, like my body is barely strong enough to lift them. I find myself staring into space a lot. I find myself just wanting to be hugged, just wanting to be held. I think I'm going to stop answering my phone. Every time it rings it's just more bad news. I'm finding it hard to understand why everything happens at once, why the world stops spinning and it all comes crashing down. A very smart person told me today that the person you are shouldn't be because of the things that happen around you. I shouldn't be affected by them so much, but it's hard to not hurt for the people you love. Love is a funny thing really. I find myself obsessed with it. I know that my calling in life is love. That an amazing, wonderful God taught me all about love this summer and all I want to do is be love to everyone. I'm at a point in my life where I have to realize that love and care are two separate entities. That I can love everyone and not have to take care of them. I think I'm so much of a problem solver sometimes that I see a problem and want it fixed and when it isn't fixed I blame myself. I'm learning to love without consequence. I'm learning to abandon all inhibition and doubt and just love, full on love those who don't think they deserve it, love those who hurt me, love those who I'd rather hurt. It's a slow and steady process but it's one worth fighting for. If you have to be obsessed with something in life, I'd say love is a great obsession.

Heaven Here

2008-11-07T22:38:00.002-06:00

I think I need to join a 12 step program for an Addiction to Friends, not my actual friends, the TV show. It's bad, it's to the point where I'm almost done watching the entire series for the 3rd time in less than a year. I blame Eric. He had to be the most awesome boyfriend ever and buy me the one thing I've wanted for like 5 years and now I can't stop watching it. I've had it since last Christmas and since this August it's been on a constant rotation in our DVD player. I've watched it twice this year already...this is sad sad news. When I'm not watching it, I miss them, yes THEM, my FRIENDS...Joey, Chandler, Ross, Monica, Phoebe and Rachel, because I think a small, tiny, insane part of them thinks they're real people. In other news....

Life is kind of crazy right now and I'm ready to take a break from everything. There are SERIOUS family issues going on at home and if you read this and pray at all, please PLEASE pray for my family. I can't really discuss what it is, but it's something that causes me a great deal of stress and makes me worry A LOT. Also, I'm really happy with where I'm at with Eric right now. This whole second chance business is pretty sweet, and I love being his friend again. He's the only person I know that can make me laugh as hard as he makes me. Also, he's completely amazing, not perfect, but I can see now that he's striving to be a better man and he's falling in love with our amazing God all over again and that makes me so attracted to him. I always knew what was missing in our relationship and I thought if we could just bring it back to where it should be then it'd be perfect. Now...nothing's perfect but I think God is putting this back together in a way that makes me believe in perfection. That boy I fell in love with 2 years ago has grown into a man I could love forever, and it makes me smile just to say it.

Reason to Believe

2008-11-03T22:57:00.003-06:00

Happy November! I think November is going to be a spectacular month. First of all, Amber and I are the new Sunday school teachers for the 18 month - 3 year old Sunday school class at MCN. Then, I won the costume contest at work so I got a 30 dollar gift card which I used to buy the HSM3 soundtrack, a calculator and the movie Serendipity :) Also, there's this boy that I am soooooo glad to have back in my life. He's my other half and we are so much alike and there has been SO MUCH that I missed about him. I cannot believe I've been blessed enough to get a second chance at a friendship with him let alone any kind of future. He's truly amazing and he makes me so happy, I don't think he'll ever fully understand how much I care about him. He's a keeper. In other news....we're having serious roommate issues, and the hard part is...we're pretty sure she doesn't even pick up on the fact that we're all severely annoyed with her. Yeah...it's rough stuff. Tomorrow night we're meeting with RA to figure it all out and it's going to be awkwardtastic and I am going to be sooooo uncomfortable. Tomorrow is election day which makes me nervous. I'll be wearing my Jesus for President shirt in honor of the fact that I hate politics. We'll see how it all goes down. Either way I'm pretty sure our country is screwed. Yet, I still have a "reason to believe", an amazing all powerful loving God.

American Love

2008-10-29T21:46:00.003-05:00

It's been almost two years. Two years since I saw a green eyed boy in a tux and was too shy to talk to him. In about a month, it will have been two years since we had our first breakfast together. It's been 2 years since he lied to me to get my phone number. It's been 5 months since we said goodbye, and since that day I've been waiting for hello. God told me to end it with him, and I listened. Now, God has led me right back to him and I don't know why. Every little piece of my heart that was broken off, that was hurting, is slowly being pieced back together in the presence of a man who has grown more and changed more in 5 months than I thought humanly possible. I don't know why I'm surprised he changed so much, because I've changed just as much. It's like God broke us apart and turned us into two people we were meant to be all along. Now the question remains...."did God break us apart to put us back together?" What's the deal here? I'm trying to be patient, listen to God's voice over my own, and show unconditional love to a man that deserved that a long time ago. Sometimes in life you don't get a second chance, if I ever...EVER get a second chance, I will not screw it up again. This girl, this woman, I've become doesn't know everything, but she knows much more. I know how to love now, I had the greatest teacher in the world at my disposal and unfortunately I didn't ask him to do it until this summer. I know love, and I want to show love, and there's someone I owe a lot of loving to. My head is crawling with thoughts...

I think Andrew McMahon puts it nicely:
There's nowhere to run
You're so unprepared
It's a new heart attack
Brand new bricks on my back
Don't say a word they might find us there
You see I got this American Love
A hidden planet in my solar system...
Big hearts are for breaking...

Bruised

2008-10-27T01:16:00.003-05:00

Right now, I want to crawl back into my bed...and die. I don't know what's going on with me. My eyes hurt, it's weird, I think I woke up crying this morning. My eyes were all goopy and my eyelashes were stuck together. I didn't go to bed until 3:30 this morning, I was having a mental breakdown, talking to Crystal, trying to make sense of my emotions. I should know by now that's virtually impossible with me. My heart is in about 30 million little pieces and I thought they were fixed. I realized, I hadn't fixed my heart at all, just ignored it. Right now, I'm begging God to make it stop. It's such a dichotomy, one thing could make me happier than ever right now, but I don't know if it's what God wants. I want to go back in time and fix everything. I'm still in love with him, and I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. I can't understand why God allows me to feel this way if he has no intentions of putting us back together. I can't understand why I feel this way even though I technically shouldn't. Our relationship was far from perfect but I never felt more like myself than when I was with him. There are things he did for me that I don't think I'll ever get again. I know 20 years old is way too young to be having this "I'm going to die alone" complex, and I don't have that, I won't die alone and I know that, but I want to die with him. I feel like I gave him my whole heart a long time ago and like I'm never going to get any of it back. Everytime I'm with someone, I compare them to him. Right now my life is utterly ridiculous. I can't believe myself sometimes. I know the way I'm thinking is ridiculous, I know the way I'm acting is ridiculous, I know how to make it stop and I just won't. If I just cut him out, I would be fine. I would move on, I would be strong again, my heart would piece itself back together but I can't imagine a life without him. I've been doing it for the past 5 months and it hasn't gotten any easier. I just want him back, I want to abandon all rational thought, I want to forget what everyone would say, I want to ignore what I know would happen, and I just want him back. He's the only person who knows how to hold me when the world is spinning at me like this. He's right, we are slow dancing in a burning room.

At Full Speed

2008-10-20T15:19:00.003-05:00

So, I'm already feeling the drawbacks to this whole overnight shift thing. As of right now I have about 400 things to accomplish, none of which I have time for. There is something wrong with the yearbook headshot pages, and I don't have time to figure it out yet somehow I have to. I have two homework assignments due tomorrow that are about 1/2 done. Basically, I have choir at 4 and then at 5:30 I have to eat dinner, go the yearbook office, then head to the library. I have a group meeting at 7 and then I have to be at work at 9. I'm running very short on time. Then...at 6 when I get back from work I plan on eating breakfast, showering, drinking the pot of coffee that I have set to be already brewed by the time I get home, then work on the rest of my homework. Basically, I think this week might kill me. My face is broken out...which is AWESOME. I'm pms-ing....which is also AWESOME. I don't have time to do laundry this week. Oh, also, my contacts...the last pair I have...officially bit the dust. I can't order new ones until I a) have money b) get a new prescription. Oh, did I mention I don't have health insurance? It's going to cost me $85 which I don't have to get my prescription, not to mention the other $175 for the actual contacts. I'm feeling a LOT of stress in my life right now. I've pretty much lost my will to live.

Kill the Messenger

2008-10-19T01:29:00.002-05:00

I am absolutely exhausted right now and I'm sure it's only a fraction of how I'll feel by the end of the week. This week, for some bizarre reason I volunteered to work overnights at work. Basically, we're remodeling the store and I said I would work overnights to help get it done. So...it's good, because I'll make a paycheck that is 2 weeks worth of pay in one week but I'll be absolutely exhausted. I'm working 9pm-6am Sunday-Thursday, on top of going to class during the day. It won't be a huge issue on Monday or Wednesday since all I have is Spanish, but Tuesday and Thursday...I might die. I will make sure to blog on those days because I'm sure that I'm going to be quite the character. The way I figure it...I'll go to bed tonight around 2, try to sleep til at least 1 tomorrow and then after I get back from Spanish at 9:30 Monday I'll go back to bed for another 6 hours and do it all over again. Hopefully I'll make it, I really need the money and I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm trying to slowly shift over tonight. I never stay up past 12 lately and the fact I'm up til 1:30 is already a big step. On a completely different note, I am a dream killer and told the boy that it just isn't going to work out. Unfortunately, I just couldn't make an attraction happen. As much as I was attracted to the idea of him, how nice he is, how smart he is, there was just no chemistry. So, I feel like a big jerk, and I know it really hurt him, but I can't be a liar. Also, I discovered the greatest thing ever. See, we keep Friends continuously playing in our DVD player and it's amazing because we get to Season 10 and we're done and by the time we make it to the end, we're ready to see the beginning again. I love it. For the record, I'm watching Season 2 for the 3rd time straight through...and my one of my fave episodes was on earlier.

"See? He's her lobster!!"

I want a lobster....

Lullaby

2008-10-16T14:34:00.002-05:00

I'm having an ugly day. Just one of those days where no matter what you do, you just still feel ugly. It's retarded. My hair...it's just doing this weird feathering thing from the moisture in the air. My eyes hurt so I have on my nerdy emo glasses. I have a zit, right in the corner of my mouth, which to me is the worst part of today. I just cannot seem to feel pretty. I just want to put on sweatpants and a sweatshirt and go the final step to ugly. Also, my apartment is even ugly. I came in to it today and it didn't look clean or cozy or warm...it smelled bad, and it looked dark and cluttered and just made me angry. I don't understand why it's so hard to clean up a few things. There's a bag of trash by the door that I'm sure all of my roommates walked past at least once today. That means it was passed by at LEAST 3 times. I left it this morning because I was late for my spanish test and when I came back 6 hours later it was still there, so I took it out because I'm pretty sure it attributed most of if not all of the crap smell. I opened all the windows in the apartment, I'm hoping some of the clean fall breeze comes in makes it better in here. The clutter in the office is literally driving me insane. Granted, we did get back from fall break like a day ago but after having the entire apartment clean and to myself the past 3 days, I'm having some issues with adjusting. Also, my ugly feeling on the outside has gone inside as well. I just feel angry and tired and irritable and not very much like I want to be around people at all. I have class in 50 minutes and I would rather clean the entire apartment than go to class. Seriously, I'm so frustrated right now, the clutter in the apartment is echoing in my mind and it's causing me to be super stressed. Ugh, I just want to go to bed.

Caves

2008-10-13T13:23:00.002-05:00

I'm back at school after taking a mini fall break at home. It was nice to get to see my family, hang out and thoroughly enjoy the fall colors that have overtaken the grove around my house, it was perfect. My mom made a spice cake and the whole house smelled like fall and I drank cider and hot chocolate and it was just perfect. I got to sleep in my giant queen size bed with my dog and it was almost like I was a real person again and not the spaz I've been the past few weeks. I'm glad I found that person again, she's much more fun to be around. For some bizarre reason I started thinking the other day of switching to a B.S in psych rather than the B.A I'm currently doing. Basically, it's not any different, just way more classes and whatnot. So..I looked into it and it's doable. I would have to take 17 hours every semester for the next 3 that I have at school, or take some summer school and take lighter semesters but I could totally do it. It means a LOT of work though, not just more classes, but also a research project, but it does open more doors for grad school. Basically, I have to actually figure out what I'm doing with my life. I've been thinking about couples counseling, which means I need a B.S and grad school, so that's something I need to think about now, and pray about. I know I could do it, it's just kind of a big step to take. In other news, I stopped spazzing and told a boy that I'm ready to pursue something. So, that's nice. Also...I brought the rest of that spice cake back to school :)

Meet Me At My Window

2008-10-10T22:24:00.002-05:00

I make terrible decisions. In fact, the other day I told my roommate she was in charge of all my decision making. The problem is, when she's in Virginia for the weekend, she can't really make my decisions. So, I get this bright idea tonight and I decide to go ahead and do it. Not my best decision, could have been my worst, I'm not really sure. I did learn something though. Basically, at this point in my life I am in no way, shape or form ready for a committed relationship. I cannot handle one, I can barely handle myself. I am freaking out at this point because somehow I've wrangled myself into this situation that I'm not ready for at all and I'm trying as best as I can to get out of it quickly and painlessly. So for now, I'm going to stick to my tried and true method of going to bed when things get too much for me to handle. Yes, that's a great solution. To bed with me!

Crashin'

2008-10-08T22:32:00.002-05:00

I don't know what I want anymore. I don't like having to think this much. It might just be easier to be alone the rest of my life. I don't think I can handle a relationship. I don't think I will ever be able to love or trust again. It's terrible that I have this amazing guy who really likes me, but I just don't think I can let him in. I don't think I'm ready to try it all over again. I don't have time for a relationship. I don't have the capacity to trust. I'm not alright. I can't handle this.

I think I'll just go to bed.

MFEO: Made For Each Other

2008-10-05T23:19:00.002-05:00

This whole sleeping thing, not really working. I just went to bed and laid there for 10 minutes and started laughing...out loud...like a creeper. Then I realized that there is absolutely no way I can go to bed without spewing out how I feel right now. Basically, in a nutshell, I think today I had the best day of my life so far. See, this boy who I kind of think might be the most amazing boy I've ever met proceeded to make me the happiest girl on the planet right now. Let me explain:

I love coffee, and I love Panera and today we were sitting in Starbucks and I mentioned how I love Panera and then..he took me there. He drove me 30 minutes just so I could have Panera. I might say that I'm getting spoiled...but I'm okay with it. Then we went to Borders and to see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. We spent 7 hours together today, and basically the entire day I just realized how perfect we fit together and how I can't stop giggling and smiling when I think about him. It's not just the normal things that go together. It's how we've both been hurt before but are jumping back into this whole relationship thing together anyway. It's how we both think it's perfectly normal to eat slices of bread with honey on them. It's the way we both like the word "splendid" or how it's not crazy to describe something as "epic". It's how we're both big huge dorks and how we're both awkward but it's perfect. I'm kind of waiting for him to sprout horns and a tail because it's going to take something huge like that for me to stop thinking he's perfect.

Oh, yeah, and he kissed me and I'm pretty sure...that my insides all turned to Jell-O and my legs got weak and I can't stop smiling. It's....amazing. So yeah, couldn't sleep, had to rave about my AMAZING day.

Drop Out/The So Unknown

2008-10-04T10:02:00.002-05:00

Can I just drop out? I'm at this bizarre thought process in my mind where I just want to drop out of everything that is unknown to me. For instance, this baby relationship that's forming with a boy, I'm being a spazoid and honestly thinking "okay, I'm just not going to do it anymore, that's not what I want." Even though that's a lie. Basically, I am a huge commitment phobe and getting into a relationship where I don't see an inevitable end scares me. I could see this lasting for the long haul and that is the scariest thing in the entire world to me right now. I don't feel like I'm mature enough for life sometimes. The other day I was hit with this crazy realization that I'm 20 years old and right now my 12 year old self would be laughing at me. When I was 12 I said I'd be married when I was 22 and have my first kid when I was 24. Now..I'm sitting here going "WHAT?!" I'd have to be dating that person now....and then...engaged in a year...huh? Okay, so my 12 year old self is laughing really hard, also, so is God. See...I tested God...BAD IDEA and I was like "whatever God, I'm not ready for a relationship, if you throw a relationship at me you're ruining my plan". Then God was like "hey...um...Sarah, it's not YOUR plan, it's MINE so...check this out" and then he threw this semi-perfect, dork of a guy who thinks I'm dorkily amazing into my life and I've been completely caught off guard ever since. Let me explain:

I'm a smart girl, I have a good head on my shoulders, I pride myself on the fact that I'm realistic and articulate. Somehow though....I've lost my head in recent days. I started giggling...that is so not cool...and I am so AWKWARD and here's why:

I said to Crystal (my roommate) and subsequently to God, "I am not ready for a relationship, I don't want a relationship." and that was perfectly okay to say because in the back of my mind I knew there was no one that I even had in mind to date. It's really easy to say you don't want something when there's no chance of you getting it, or so I thought...

So then I say to Crystal, "Honestly, I don't want a relationship, there is no one I would date right now. So unless God puts a 6'2", 23 year old, with dark hair and light eyes in my life..."

Enter boy who is 6'2", has black hair and gray eyes and is 22 but turned 23 a week after I met him. Awesome God....really, you're HILARIOUS. Yes, I realize that you are huge and omnipotent but come on! This is not funny, you are messing with me. See....I'm not READY, oh, wait, what's that? You want me to TRUST you....right okay...sure I trust you. Oh, wait, you think I'm lying, no, I trust you *shifty eyes*. You mean...you're not going to let me get hurt? Sure, I trust you...I do...a lot...sometimes...on Tuesdays....fine....I TRUST YOU.

So...basically, can you just pray for me to trust God? And also that I'd stop being a spaz? And also that I TRUST GOD.

I'm Ready

2008-10-02T12:49:00.004-05:00

In honor of Jack's Mannequin releasing a new album, this month's blog titles will be Jack's Mannequin songs. Yay! The irony of this title is that I am not ready...for anything. I basically decided a few days ago that I'm a freak and then today in Theories of Personality Dr. Veit confirmed it. He didn't say that I specifically was a freak, but that all humans are freaks, and he's right, but I'm an especially big freak. This week has been crazy busy and just weird in general and I've been both complacent and on fire. Right now the few things in my life I have a passion for are quite ridiculous. I'm really irritated with a few people and that is fueling me into this angry state of mind, and I'm just generally tired of life. Also, I'm unfit for normal human interaction and I'm a complete spazitron. There's a million and one back stories to give reason to my behavior but I don't know if I'm too lazy, or just too numb to keep writing. I'm about to killing a certain roommate. I'm just generally annoyed with really dumb things, like the fact that my ex boyfriend started a blog and then started naming the blogs after song titles....asshole idea stealer. The thing that is annoying me most is that he's picking good songs!! Also, I'm annoyed that first he asked me if it would piss me off and then when I said yes, he did it anyway....awesome. Okay, so maybe I do have the energy to vent. Basically, throughout the past few weeks of Theories of Personality I've been learning things and subsequently psychoanalyzing myself (which you're technically not supposed to do) and psychoanalyzing my ex. Basically, had I known the things I know now about personality, I never would have dated him. However, on the plus side, knowing the things I know now and knowing the boy I know now, I'm pretty positive I want to keep this new boy. On a side note: I promise at some point I will make up my mind. I realize I cannot be a commitment phobe and want to be a wife all at the same time. I have a bit of relationship schizophrenia and eventually it will fade. I'm definitely getting better though, haven't quite figured out how not to be a spaz around said boy but I'm getting better....I think. Sometimes...I wish I was a cartoon character so I could drop anvils on people and they would be flattened but then someone would come along and reinflate them. I don't want to kill them, just piss them off a little bit and give them a headache. I think I am crazy. No really, I think I have some sort of psychosis. Maybe after a few more weeks of Theories of Personality I'll have myself figured out. Also, here's how I know I'm crazy...I'm thinking about how it's not that crazy to analyze myself because Jung's theories came from a conversation with his own unconscious, so at least I'm not THAT crazy. I'm starting to think I shouldn't have read The Tell-Tale Heart yesterday....

If You Don't, Don't

2008-09-26T09:20:00.002-05:00

I've decided that I'm crazy, or maybe I'm just a woman. I think that's the secret of women, we have no idea what we really want at all, but we expect guys to be able to figure it out. See...I make up my mind everyday it's just that everyday it's a different answer to the same question. Tuesday I didn't want a relationship, Tuesday I was very set on not having a relationship, Wednesday I was indifferent, Thursday I was hopeful, today...I am pretty sure that I do want a relationship. The reason? There's this semi-perfect guy for me who just so happens to think I'm amazing. It's really a crazy thought, a crazy story, a crazy situation, and I'm all for it. Crazy is my theme. Yesterday I giggled, like...really giggled and blushed. I haven't done that in a long time and it was a silly feeling that I welcomed. It's really funny how God works in my life. I make plans, God takes action in a completely different direction. Sometimes God annoys me because I have this whole setup going for me and then God changes it and he created me, he knows I don't do well with change. Also...this has nothing to do with anything but I cut my tongue on a Ring Pop last night....a RING POP. I was biting it, (yes I know it's a SUCKER) but I was impatient and I wanted full on watermelon flavor so I bit a chunk off. Well, the chunk was more of a shard and it cut my tongue! I was bleeding a lot and everything it was very traumatizing. Also...last night was the season premiere of Grey's and I cried 3 times, but that's only cuz I'm menstrual (TMI, sorry) and hormonal and a head case. So...yeah...I'm crazy, Ring Pops are dangerous, eating 2 pans of brownies does not make cramps go away but it will make your work pants fit too tight....speaking of work...I'm supposed to be there in 45 minutes...SUCK

The World You Love

2008-09-23T12:26:00.003-05:00

Today is Tuesday...the 2nd day of the week and already this has been the most bizarre week of my life. I think, I THINK, I might be going insane. Yesterday I gave out my phone number to two different guys...first of all, yesterday was the first day I've even said yes to a stranger's request for my number, and then I did it TWICE. Yep, I've lost my mind. I just hope they text and don't call because I don't have free incoming calls on my current phone plan...

Now, it's not a big deal to give out your phone number. If they call and I don't want to answer there's a handy little "ignore" button that I can fully utilize. The crazy thing of it all is that I suddenly am a hot item, and I mean that in the humblest of ways. Now, my ex assures me I have always been hot and he noticed it first so I think he thinks he's made some great breakthrough, but I've never had guys approach me and now all the sudden I have like four coming at me and I don't know what to do. They've all really picked the perfect time to do so considering I'm not interested in being anyone's girlfriend. I have no issue with casual dating, but I have no desire to be a girlfriend again. It'd take a really amazingly awesome guy to make me settle down again. I mean, this is the first time I've been single in a year and a half...why on EARTH would I want to jump right back into a relationship? I'm only 20, I have absolutely no desire to be married anytime soon, if ever, and I have absolutely no free time. I can commit to a few simple coffee dates but with school and 2 jobs I don't have time for boys and their nonsense. I'm busy for a reason..it's called "greater goals in life". I'm not like the rest of the girls at ONU. I'm not here to find my husband, I'm not here to get married, I'm here to get an education, have a little fun while doing so and then go out and do God's work. If he puts a husband worthy guy in my life, great, but I don't want one, so God will be throwing me a huge monkey wrench in my plan if he puts me in a relationship anytime soon...and frankly, I'll be a little pissed off.

The Middle

2008-09-17T10:08:00.004-05:00

Okay...so you know how I do that thing where I title my blogs after song titles and I pick a new band every month? Well, this month is JEW, duh, and pretty much the lyrics to The Middle are amazingly accurate as to how I feel right now.. especially this part:

Hey, don't write yourself off yet,
It's only in your head you feel left out and looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what their bitter hearts are gonna say

It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright

Okay, so yes, I did just gather inspiration from a Jimmy Eat World song, but whatever...it did the trick alright. I love Jimmy Eat World, they were the first concert I ever used my own money to go to and I still have the t-shirt from that concert...somewhere...

Life is still mediocre at best, but what more can I ask for from this world? This world is always going to suck and that's not a pessimistic idea, it's simply the truth. I'm just trying to make it through and make it better one day at a time. Yesterday, Kat and I talked about voting for the president and how we thought of it as voting for the lesser of two evils and right now we're both torn. This conversation came about as we were almost pummeled by the people in the quad making sure we're registered to vote...it was intense. I honestly hate politics and I really don't think any one human is fit to run a country and I don't want to even vote...honestly, brand me unpatriotic but I have very little hope in either candidate. I'm pretty much to the point where if anything is going to get done it's going to take a change of the heart of America and that's going to come from us as citizens. So...whatever change I expect from the world, I'll expect from myself, I'm in that process right now. I'll figure out the voting situation later. On a different note:

So, last night, I had mucho fun times. It was open house, the usual, Tim came over, Nathan and Christian came over too, we watched some House, some Friends, and attempted to play Disney Scene-It. It was a great attempt on Nathan and Amber's part but I was really tired and my brain was not functioning. I should have OWNED at that game, instead I was semi-comatose and awkward. After everyone left I basically died, I got really hot and dizzy so I just went to bed and I think I was in a coma because I don't remember dreaming and I usually always do. The other night I had a really weird dream, all I can remember is seeing a butterfly and then seeing the word mariposa, which I know is Spanish for butterfly but why on Earth am I dreaming about butterflies in Spanish?

Alright, I should actually do my homework and get ahead since I don't get off work til 9:30 and I know I'll have no motivation then.

Pain

2008-09-14T23:53:00.003-05:00

As ridiculous as it is...I'm envisioning this Friends episode right now. I watched it today, it's the episode where Monica is getting ready for her wedding and Chandler is missing, but they don't want her to know so Rachel is trying to distract her from getting ready. Rachel starts talking about being lonely and how the days are hard but the nights are even harder...and it's so true. Something about the night brings out whatever terrible things I'm fighting with. I've cracked open a new box of Kleenex for the night. I've predicted tomorrow to become a heavy makeup day, it's getting harder to hide the bags I get under my eyes. It's harder to have faith in God's great plan because right now his plan pretty much sucks. I have no idea how I'm even accomplishing even a tiny bit of what he wants for me in life because I'm so freaking miserable all the time and I don't even know why. To top things off, my ex-boyfriend has to be living the f-ing dream right now. I DON'T GET IT. He gets to break my heart into a million little pieces, I work my butt off trying to make our damned relationship work, God tells me to break it off and somehow I end up the one miserable. Really? Really, God? This sucks. I'm angry at God right now. Something I thought I'd never be a month ago. I was all set for God's plan when I left camp. I can't even really explain what's going on right now. I know exactly what's happening right now and I can't stop it. God told me amazing things were going to happen this year. I had complete, total faith in God and what he has in store and the Devil got pissed as hell and is out to get me. He's attacking me at my weakest point like the coward he is. What's my weakest point? Recap anyone? I'm a sucker for the male population...and the devil, like the douchebag he is, has decided to rip open that wound and rub salt in it. Man, I hate the devil. Chaplain Benson said last week we had to dispossess the lies that we're living, and that includes the lies that we're being told. Well, the greatest lie that I choose to believe is that I'm not worth it. I choose to believe that I have a million and one things wrong with me that are all the reasons why I don't have anything good. I choose to believe that I don't deserve anything good that comes along to me, so I ignore the good things around me and focus on what I perceive as my crappy life. I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of the way I've felt for the past few days. This is not the Sarah I want to be. This is, however, a pretty clear picture of how exactly I don't want to be. This is absolutely ridiculous. I know exactly what I have to do to get rid of this feeling and I'm just being a stubborn little wench right now. If I just got on my knees and talked to God he'd take it away..that's what HE DOES.

"God can NOT resist a broken heart that knows what it needs is Him"

1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a[n] [adult] I did away with childish things."

Hear You Me

2008-09-12T22:24:00.002-05:00

Right now I'm crying and I'm not really sure why. I had a good day, good enough, for a day where 7 hours were spent at work. Chrysalis retreat was tonight and that was fun and stuff. I think the real reason I'm crying is stupidity and I don't want to admit it. See...I'm lonely...again. Tonight after Chrysalis retreat Amber went off to Nathan's apartment and I was just hit with this huge feeling of loneliness. It used to be that when I got back from something or when I sat down to my computer before bed I'd talk to Eric. I always had that built in friend to talk to and now I really don't. It's not that I even want a relationship right now because I really don't and I'm in no position to have one but it's just hard to see your ex moving on to someone new. It's even harder when the new girl is incredibly amazing and beautiful and you can't find any reason for him not to date her. He's happy and honestly I'm happy for him. I even told her tonight that I don't want him and I'm glad to be her friend, which is absolutely the honest truth. I genuinely like her and care for her and I'm glad they're both happy with each other. It's just...he found someone right away, and yeah it's only been like 3 months but it's not like I've had any guys pursuing me. I asked Eric if I was completely undesirable and he said it was the furthest thing from the truth. Then I asked him why no one likes me if I'm as great as him and Amber and Crystal think I am and he said it's because I haven't met anyone good enough for me yet. Right now, I feel like The Starter Wife. I feel like I spent a year and a half investing in a relationship, trying to help him be the best man possible and it worked, only he became the best man ever, for a different girl. It's just hard for me to understand why all this happened. I don't understand how this works into God's plan. If I'm so beautiful, if I'm so smart, if I'm so full of God's love and so much fun to be around, then why doesn't anybody want to be around me?

Get It Faster: Part II

2008-09-10T09:56:00.002-05:00

Okay, so today they turned on that LHC thing to try and mimic the supposed Big Bang that created the universe. First of all...why is no one concerned that they're trying to create a big bang that will create a black hole? Aren't black holes a bad thing? Second of all, I don't believe in the Big Bang, I think it was more of a small bang, like the bang created by God's vocal chords when he said "Let there be light." See, I believe in this huge, omnipotent, omnipresent God that created my universe and I don't think a couple of geeks and a Large Hadron Collider are going to come anywhere close to creating the beauty that is this creation. Though, a small part of me was sad I didn't get sucked into a black hole today because then I could've met my Savior and I wouldn't have to dance through this sucky world anymore. I'm not trying to be melodramatic or morbid, it's just that I'm not a huge fan of this place and I'd much rather be in heaven.

Oh another note, it's Wednesday, which means I'm done for the day except for choir :) I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do today. I know that I have two tests tomorrow but I'm not super concerned for either one and I'm sure I'll do just fine. Today my facebook status is Philippians 3:14 with myself right in the middle. "Sarah is pressing on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called her heavenward through Christ Jesus."

See, I still have no idea what I'm doing in life. I know that I'm here to change the world. I know that I'm here to make a difference, I'm just not sure how God wants me to go about doing it. I'm getting to be in this point where I'm just so ready to do God's will, and I want to do it so bad, but I have NO CLUE what it is and I'm getting frustrated. I mean, I know the basics, don't lie, don't gossip, be loving, all those commandments that I've known since I was 8 but I don't know the big stuff. I told Crystal I want a "Saul moment". I want God to come down in a beam of light right in front of me as I'm walking to class and just say "Sarah...do this..." and I'll do it. I mean, I want to do it so bad!!!! I want to live CRAZY LOVE.

Get It Faster

2008-09-10T08:03:00.002-05:00

I don't really have anything specific to accomplish in this post. It's been a few days since I've posted anything and I don't really have a reason for that. I haven't been extraordinarily busy, just lazy really. Lately I have not been able to be extremely energetic. Yesterday I consumed 3 frappucinos before I could even think of not being sleepy. I've gotten the right amounts of sleep. Yesterday my workout was mediocre, I got tired after running 2/3 of a mile when in the previous workout I had ran 2 miles and biked 3 before I got tired. Maybe I have mono... I don't know. Right now all I can think about is going to Spanish and making it through the 50 minutes of it so I can come back to my bed. It's so bizarre. I know I'm not depressed because I have tons of awesome things going on right now but at the same time I'm kind of complacent. I'm getting really annoyed with people telling me I'm desperate. Okay...first of all, I'm not desperate. It's been 3 months since I broke up with my boyfriend of 16 months. I think it's okay that I'm interested in other guys right now considering I haven't been single for almost 2 years. The last time I was actively interested in pursuing guys I was a freshman...so...I'm a little out of my rhythm and this is weird and different for me right now. So, when I meet someone new, or reaqquaint with someone old I don't find it completely unnatural for me to contemplate a relationship. It's not that I even want a relationship right now, I'm just pondering, and last time I checked that wasn't a sin. I have too much going on with myself right now to be pursuing a relationship. If something happens, great, if not, that's great too. I have 17 credit hours, a part-time job, I'm on yearbook staff, and I'm secretary of Chrysalis..I think I have plenty to keep me busy.

Turn Twist

2008-09-07T22:10:00.002-05:00

So today is Sunday. It was a very lazy day. I went to church with Crystal and we made lunch when we got back. After lunch we worked on homework, watched some TV and I ended up falling asleep on the couch at about 3:00 and then finally woke up at 7:06, just in time for the Bears game. We're up 29-13 right now, and I'm basically stoked. I only threw one thing at the TV so far and that wasn't the Bears fault but rather a bad call on the refs' part. Also, I'm still in love with Urlacher but Forte is slowly overtaking my heart. Also, nice to see Sexy Rexy on the bench and my boy Kyle Orton ruling the field. In other amazing football news...Tom Brady is out for the season! Torn ACL in the KC game today...sucks to be him. At least there isn't much hope for another Patriots Super Bowl. Yay! Side note: if I had actually pursued only art as a career, I would so want to do sports photography. Other side note: I am currently taking up a collection, I need about $150 for a Brian Urlacher fathead for my living room wall. I have to work tomorrow which really means I should be doing homework right now but I don't really feel it so much. I'm going to watch my boy Urlacher keep stuffing people on the field and when we've won I'll get to my Spanish homework.

Nothing Wrong

2008-09-05T11:33:00.003-05:00

It is so gloomy outside it makes me happy. It's only 60 degrees which means....HOODIE weather. I have nowhere to be until 2 when I'm meeting Eric for coffee and conversation, then yearbook headshots from 3-4 and then work from 5-9. So...it's a pretty low key day. I'm a fan. I was basically in a coma last night. I went to bed at 1:30 after watching the first 45 minutes or so of Beauty and the Beast and then I didn't wake up until 10 or so. Right now I'm basically just avoiding getting in the shower because I'm lazy, though I am really cold so it might be nice to take a nice hot shower. I don't really remember why I started this particular post...OH YEAH....

Haha, so God is AWESOMETASTIC (it's a word, trust me) and he's been doing incredible things across the board. So, word in Michigan from Ricky is that Inter Varsity (the Christian fellowship at state schools in MI) has had amazing turnouts this week. Not just at UM Dearborn (where Ricky goes) but also at MSU and UM Flint, so basically God is doing awesome things. Not to mention what he's doing on the campus of Olivet. I'm totally stoked for what this year is going to bring. I know our ASC has so many great expectations for this year and I just know God is going to do something crazy this year, he told me this summer that this year was going to amaze me...and it already has and I've been here...just under 3 weeks. I'm sure I'll have more to post this evening but for now I'll be retreating to the shower.

P.S. those are Freudian Slippers (GET IT??!??) and I WANT THEM!!!

Just Tonight

2008-09-04T23:19:00.003-05:00

I'm back!! I told you I'd come back and write a substantial note. So...besides the rain today being amazing, all in all it was an amazing day. Even though I went from 8:30-5:10 with only a 2 hour break I still had a great day. Chapel was....awesome, the chapel speaker used to be a lounge singer and he definitely broke into some Tom Petty, that was amazing. I had a grand ol' time in my classes. Then...after BR&S, Crystal and I had to walk from Weber to the apartment, just in that short walk we were completely soaked to the bone from the rain. It was crazy. Also, the gutter behind our back door was either broken or just plain janky, and there was literally a waterfall over the door. It was insane! So, tonight....Tim came over and successfully got me readdicted to One Tree Hill. Also, we watched some episodes of The Office which was fantasmic and then we watched 21. So...it was an awesome night. Oh, and there was a brief intermission where Tim put on Sarah's (not mine) chicken cutlet bra thing. It was grotesque and hilarious all at the same time. I could not breathe, it was crazy. So, yeah, today was a good day and now I'm tired and I'm either going to watch a Disney movie with Amber or go to bed....tough choice...

A Praise Chorus

2008-09-04T13:31:00.002-05:00

It's raining!! For those of you that don't know, I'm a big fan of rain. Now...rain makes my hair do crazy things, it soaks the bottom six inches of my jeans, soaks my shoes, but it also does beautiful things. It makes everything shiny and sparkly. It puts little droplets (nature rhinestones) on the leaves and virtually everything. I love it. I don't mind getting wet. I don't mind having stravy hair and being wet, it's fun. Later on I believe I will be going to jump in puddles, if I can find a puddle buddy. I'm also listening to every song on my iTunes that has anything to do with water/rain/ocean...etc. Some examples include, but are not limited to:

Washed by the Water- Needtobreathe
Let It Rain- Michael W. Smith
Meet Me By the Water- Rachael Yamagata
The Ocean- Mae
Can You Stand the Rain?- Boyz II Men
Somewhere Over the Rainbow- Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

But yeah, basically I'm being very unproductive, but I'm in a lovely mood. I need to go vacuum...perhaps I'll listen to my rain playlist and clean...yes...good plan.

P.S. this blog is not very typical, so I may be coming back later this evening to write a more substantial one.

Sweetness

2008-09-03T10:01:00.002-05:00

Ladies and gentlebugs, the funk has left the building. For some reason...unbeknownst to me, (probably Jesus)....I am happy today. I revamped my blog, because as I see it, I'm not the same anymore and so my blog shouldn't be either. Plus, change is good. I'm pretty much done for the day right now. I have to go work senior pics from 11:00-12:00, and I have choir at 4 but other than that...my day is pretty chill. So, I'd like to share with you what God is doing in me. See, this summer God did some crazy awesome things in me and now my job is to go out and never stop talking about what God is doing in my life because let me tell ya, it's da bomb...(90s flashback).

I'm going to lay it out right now. Full on LAY IT OUT. Yesterday's chapel speaker asked us what our secret was, what is it that keeps us awake at night, what is it that is keeping us from having a relationship with Christ that is all that it can be. As he stood on that stage saying how he was an addict to meth, cocaine, alcohol, marijuana, and pornography I thought to myself, "Could I do that?" Could I stand on a stage in front of hundreds of people and say what I'm addicted to? Then I got this horrible feeling in my stomach. Here I am, I'm trying to show God's love to everyone, but I'm still struggling. How do you get out of a struggle? Confess it and let God's love and the love of others surround you and pull you out of the pit. So...here's my pit. I'm a slave to sexual immorality. Now, I don't want to justify that by saying I'm a 20 year old single girl and it's okay, that's how I'm SUPPOSED to act, because that's wrong. I'm supposed to live a life in this world that changes the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I think you should know that after having my crazy awesome amazing life changing summer....my life didn't change. I felt it in my heart, I felt it in my soul, but my actions were the same old crap. Sure, I gossiped a little less, I was more encouraging to my friends, I even FORGAVE my ex boyfriend and became his friend again, but yet...I still managed to find myself in a precarious situation with more than just one guy in the past two weeks. So, I'm here to apologize, to God, to you, to everyone. I'm a sinner. I'm trying though. God is doing amazing things in my life. He is showing me the beauty in myself, teaching me that I don't need the approval of guys to be worthy. He is showing me that I am an amazing woman of God who has her entire life ahead of her. The world is mine to change and I plan on getting to it. But I ask of you all a favor, CALL ME OUT, ask me everyday if I'm talking to God, if I'm being real, if I'm doing what I'm supposed to. If I start to gossip with you, walk away! Don't let me be your stumbling block, and in that same aspect, please don't be mine. Please resist the urge to tell me things because gossip is a huge problem for me and I don't want it any longer.

Psalm 103:12
As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us,

Last week in my devos I was reading the book of James. Recently I've been reading books and opening my eyes to the way I'm called to live. As part of that I've been living a more eco-friendly life that I feel called to lead. Now, it's awesome how God speaks to your heart through the words that you need, the words that speak to you best. God WOULD use pollution to speak to me.
Check it:

James 1:26-27
If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

So...yeah...basically that's what's up with me...for now. I call it sweetness.

My Sundown

2008-09-01T21:35:00.003-05:00

The funk has continued. Maybe I'm pms-ing or something, because I am not having a lot of fun these past two days. Pretty much everything has been pissing me off and pretty much everything has been going wrong. I said today if I wrote a blog it'd be titled "Awkward Monday" because today was just bizarre and awkward. I went to Spanish, which was fun enough and then came back to the apartment and did some lit homework. Then Crystal and I made the grocery list and went grocery shopping. Then, I came back, got depressed and proceeded to bake four dozen chocolate chip cookies. That in itself wasn't all that bad, but I'm still in a funk. You'd think eating chocolate chip cookies would cheer you up...no dice. I got some courage up...only to be let down, so I've decided I'm keeping my mouth shut from now on. I'm 98% sure that I'm always going to be someone's "little sister" or "best friend" and I'll never find a guy that doesn't look at me like that. Suck.

Reaching Out

2008-08-30T22:43:00.003-05:00

I'm in a funkkkkkk. My mom...yesterday tells me to come home because she only saw me for 2 days when I was home after camp and she wants to see me. So...this morning I pack up some clothes and drive home. I get here at like 11 and she tells me she's going to the lake, and that my brother and I should go visit my dad and my grandparents. Then she says that her and I will go see a movie tonight and hang out. Awesome. So...I go about my day and then at 5 my mom still isn't back and so I lay down on the couch and fall asleep. I wake every hour or so expecting my mom to be back and...no dice...she's still not back when I wake up at 8. So, I came home this weekend...to spend time with my mom and ended up just taking a 3 hour nap on my couch and watching TV. Once again, I'm in a place where I feel left out. At Olivet...I have no friends. I had Eric. When I was bored, when I didn't have anyone to hang out with, I at least had a boyfriend to call. Even though my roommate was engaged I still had single friends to hang out with. Now...I'm single, and all freaking social circles at Olivet revolve around finding a mate and it's f-ing annoying. Now, my roommates have boyfriends who dominate most of their time. When I'm not in a class, I have nothing to do. I can count the number of friends I have on one hand. I was so excited for this year. I thought it was going to be amazing. Now, I'm not discounting the entire year just on the basis of one lame day, but I'm getting to the point where I feel very left out of life. I'm getting to the point where I'm considering finding a boyfriend just so I have someone to hang out with. I'm freaking lonely and it's ridiculous. I just want to be happy with the way I am. I want to be happy being a student, having a job, having friends, I don't want to need more to be happy. I just want to be happy with life as it is, but I'm not. I have two friends on campus, and it's not their faults, but they both have boyfriends, and they both want to talk to them, and I feel left out. I'm sure it's not intentional, but I'm totally bumming. And then, I came home to feel included in something, to feel like a family again and instead my whole family has forgotten about me. It sucks. Granted I was gone for the whole summer and my family didn't have to worry about me, and I was away from Olivet friends so I'm sure it will just take some readjusting but in the meantime....this is not fun.

Steady Now

2008-08-27T14:00:00.002-05:00

Aloha blog readers. Today was my first day of class. Now seeing that the first day of class was on a Wednesday I only had one class, but it was still good. I made a new friend :) Then I went to chapel, I had an interesting time at chapel. I sat with my roommates, who are the hottest roommates on campus. Seriously, I should take a picture because they all look smoking hot today. Today was academic convocation...which is Olivetian for "long boring chapel". We offered our commentary during the entire thing, especially during the litany where the entire student body sounded like a cult. There was literally a point where the student body was supposed to respond with a sentence that was somewhere along the lines of "We are thankful for our faculty and staff..." basically they were brainwashing us. After chapel I went and worked headshots for yearbook, most boring hour and a half of my life, I don't even know, I think like 9 people got their pictures taken. Then...I returned back to the apartment, microwaved my left over Chinese from last night and proceeded to eat it standing up so I could dance. I'm a weirdo...I know. Then I went to Miller, my most favorite place on campus, walked clear across campus just to sign a stupid little paper. Now....I'm dilly dallying until my job interview at 3. Basically this has been the most low key first day of school ever. I have a Chrysalis rehearsal/meeting at 4, then I'm grocery shopping with the roomies. We're having some yummy fiesta chicken something tonight :) I have the distinct feeling that this year is going to be the best ever!! Oh, and I got my hair cut yesterday and it makes me feel sassy.

Beauty Divine

2008-08-26T10:38:00.003-05:00

I'm cutting my hair today :) I want to start school with a fresh look, fresh outlook, lots of freshness. I'm baking a cake today :) I want to start school with a cake. Cake is amazing. I'm really spazzy right now. I didn't wake up until 10, then I procrastinated so I couldn't get a hair appointment until 5:15 which means I'll have old hair for my yearbook photo, but whatever. So now, I have nowhere to be until 2. At some point I have to shower....some point...I will...cuz my hair is....wow. I made coffee this morning, wow, it's like chestnut or something but it made my hands smell like syrup. Which, reminds me of this conversation I had with Jon this summer about syrup and how it gets on everything and it's the worst food ever. Then I spent like 10 minutes arguing with him about how if you're over the age of 5 you don't struggle with getting syrup everywhere...but then..we went to Leo's and I got banana pancakes and somehow ended up with syrup in my hair...and I'm 20!!! It was so crazy. It was karma. Mmm, banana pancakes, I will be making those this year. My hands are freaking me out!! They distinctively smell like syrup. I need to shower....NOW! So....classes start tomorrow, but I only have one on Wednesdays so I almost feel like they don't really start...I'm going to be so bored tomorrow. P.S. The picture on here is how I want to cut my hair. Like Dr. Addison Montgomery on Private Practice/Grey's Anatomy, cuz she's hawt.

The Likes of You

2008-08-25T11:35:00.002-05:00

I made a mistake yesterday. Well, I made a few mistakes, but I made one yesterday that was exceptionally bad. I lowered my standards....the standards that took me 20 years to realize, the standards that I fully understood this summer. The standards I have fought long and hard for...and all it took was one bad decision for me to realize I'm not ready to test those standards. Now, this may sound quite confusing to you, unless you are one of my roommates or God, because they're the only ones that really know. What can I say? I'm human, and because I am, I still struggle. Needless to say, I will not be testing said standards again. Here's how I can compare it:

I have a problem, now, just because I now realize I have that problem it doesn't mean I can thrust myself into a situation that could provoke that problem just because I'm now "aware" of the situation. It'd be like if I was an alcoholic. If I drank all the time but then one day I was like "oh, crap, I'm an alcoholic." and then the next day I justify going to the bar because now I KNOW so it'll be okay, I KNOW I have a problem so I'll just control it...WRONG. I'm not an alcoholic, but my problem is just as bad, just as defeating, and it sucks just as much. Now...what sucks more is that I lowered my standards and got nothing out of it. You know how sin feels good? Well, not always. Because when you've been in constant communication with God, the whole time you're sinning he's still talking to you even when you're not asking for it. I find it hilarious really. I've begged all summer to hear God's voice, to hear his will, and when do I hear it? When I'm doing the exact opposite of his will.....haha.

Basically, this blog is an apology to God, myself, my roommates, etc. I messed up. I learned. I'm disappointed in myself but I forgive myself, because God already forgave me. So...yeah...let's do take 2 of the new Sarah. Cuz Take 1 was a miserable failure and I yelled CUT! last night....so...Monday, fresh start, take 2.

James 1:26-27
If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Yep, that was my devos this morning, God telling me to get it in check.

Set On You

2008-08-21T10:01:00.002-05:00

I am waiting expectantly. I am waiting for God to settle down inside me, fill me up so much that I can't help but spill over. I am waiting for God to grant my prayer request. I've been praying for craziness. I've been praying that I become so out of control on fire for Him that others can only describe me as "crazy". I've been praying that I depend only on God, that I abandon all my own ideas about things and rely fully on Him. I mean, in theory, that should be easy. Here I am this 20 year old woman who knows (in relation to God) very little about the world, so it should be easy to rely on an all-knowing God to guide me. I just know that this year is going to be amazing. I have no idea what it will bring and that's half the excitement. My heart, my life, my mind is wide open waiting for God to thrill me. This summer I went to The Freedom Center in Fenton, MI and Pastor Jim used to say that God was going to "Thrill us to fill us to spill us". So....here I am. God has already thrilled me, with the amazing work he did this summer in me, in the staff, in the campers, God is so good!! Now, God is filling me. Everyday, I sit at his feet and wait for him to fill me up. Sometimes I don't even have to come to him, sometimes he fills me long before I come to him, but I go anyway, because I love him and I want a relationship with him. I'm beginning to understand more. The other day while driving home from MI I literally had an out loud conversation with God. It was crazy!! Which, coincidentally is what I wanted, to be crazy... It was the greatest conversation, God is so cool!! So, now, I'm being filled and about to go out and spill all over this place. I am starting/joining this crazy movement to love. So, be prepared, because you might think I'm crazy.

P.S. Micah 6:8

Breaking Away

2008-08-18T14:03:00.002-05:00

Well, I can process a little more of my thoughts now. I have to say, I'm in a good place right now. (Side note: check out God's beauty in that picture from camp). I'm supposed to be packing right now...but that really does not sound fun to me so instead I am procrastinating. I have to move into ONU tomorrow...TOMORROW! It's bittersweet, that's for sure. I've only been home a little over 36 hours, and in 24 I'll be at ONU, quite the rapid turnaround. So, our staff shirts this summer said "Are You Ready?" on the front with 2 Corinthians 10:3-4 underneath. Basically, the theme was "In the Trenches" a military theme aimed towards preparing our campers for the crazy spiritual war that is ongoing. So, I guess it's appropriate that I feel totally geared up and ready to fight for my Savior, figuratively though because I'm a pacifist. That's another thing. I've always had so-called "hippie" tendencies. I like to wear my hair long, I'm a big fan of peace, I have a pretty chill outlook on life, I enjoy coffee. I don't smoke pot, but I feel like that's not a huge deal, it's just not for me. I enjoy nature, things that are natural. I fervently oppose greed, sweatshops and a lot of what America stands for, but never as much before as I do now. I feel like working at camp, being around certain people, reading certain literature has brought out the hippie in me even more. It's a good thing though, I like it. So, keep yourselves informed. Read Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne, it broadened my horizons and rocked my world. Let it rock yours.

I Want It All

2008-08-17T20:23:00.003-05:00

I'm back!!! After a 3 month blog hiatus I have returned to the internet and life as I know it. It's been a crazy summer and I don't think I have the energy to write about everything that happened but I'll try...

I spent my summer working at camp and learning...ironically in the off season from school. I learned that God loves me, that I love God, that I am in love with God, that he'll never let me down and that he is amazing, all powerful and sooooo much more. I can't explain what happened. I don't really know when it happened for sure. I know it started immediately and it's still happening and what "it" is....it's a love affair. It is a full blown OBSESSION with my Savior.

It is finally accepting that I am beautiful. That no matter how many terrible things happen to me, no matter how many people let me down, God loves me and has a perfect, pleasing, will for me. I cannot wait to see what it is. I don't know where he'll take me but I know it's going to be spectacular. I could keep writing but I have 247 photos to edit and post and about 900 blogs to catch up on and I still have to unpack. Also...I have to pack for school....sick.

I leave for ONU on Tuesday, which is insane, and I have yet to do anything!! I could be doing it right now....but no. I'll post again soon!! This hiatus was CRAZY!