Today was my only day off this week, by choice. I took overtime yesterday which was totally worth it, I got paid to go ice skating! Today I slept til 12, had pancakes for breakfast/lunch, then laid around for a few hours. I let my brain get the best of me and had to run away from my house this evening. I thank God everyday for my amazing friends.
I've had a lot on my mind for the past few months and the past few weeks have really compounded it all and basically I'm having a giant brain meltdown. I shot my friend Annie a text and ended up in town with her and Kalyn accompanying them on the quest for the perfect NYE outfit and a yummy dinner of Panera Bread (which just opened up a few days ago).
They were total life savers and let me vent for a few hours and managed to provide support while also making me think. Basically, my brain is in pain and I'm trying to make sense of everything I'm thinking and feeling without having a nervous breakdown. The only thing that has made me okay is listening to various Adele remixes on loop, including Lil Wayne "Sorry 4 the Wait" and the Childish Gambino remix of "Rolling in the Deep" and then the uber depressing "Something" by Bambu which makes me cry.
This post is vague and confusing and I do apologize but I just can't talk about it all yet.
29 December 2011
14 September 2010
Trying Really Hard Not to Be a Bitter Hag
Okay...I'm just going to forewarn you that this post is going to be a little negative...okay, mostly negative. It's not that I'm an ungrateful person or that I hate life, it's just that right now, at this very moment, I do in fact hate my life. I've always been the person to look on the bright side, find the positive in dark situations and always pick myself up and fight my way back to the top. I've always worked incredibly hard, pleased everyone and put on a brave face but right now I'm going to cry, bitch, moan and complain and throw myself a little pity party, with profanity. This has been your warning, you may turn back now if you so choose. Let it be known that you were given fair warning and also that I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, I just feel sorry for myself right now. No worries, give me a week or two and I'll be back to myself. Anyway, I digress:
Reason # 1 That Life Sucks:
I hate my job. This is no shocker, as I've hated my job for the past 2 months that I've had it. The real kick in the nuts is that I don't have my job after this Saturday. Why you ask? I stepped down, however, I stepped down after being given two options 1) stay at the store, pull a 180 and completely change my "leading techniques" and "lack of authority" (aka be a raging bitch of a tyrant like my supervisor and manager) or 2) step down. Gee, what would you pick? So, I stepped down and was told I would be transferred back to my old store starting September 19th. Kick in the nuts number two? My old store says they'll "transfer me when the time is right"...um...that's not what I was told. So, as it stands, as of Sunday I am unemployed? I don't really know. I guess I'm technically employed there still, I just don't have any scheduled hours.
Reason #2 That Life Sucks:
So, I took the position as ops senior at my new store. The position opened up at my old store. I applied, after 2 weeks I hadn't even gotten a call for an interview, which really surprised me. I was under the impression that my old store liked me quite a lot. Well, I guess I was wrong because they gave the position to a girl that I beat out for the spot before without even interviewing me. I really don't understand what happened. I mean, I decided I didn't want the position but I'm still hurt they didn't even interview me. And also I'm still pretty pissed about not getting transferred back.
Reason #3 That Life Sucks:
We're broke. I mean...really broke. After Manuel's suspension and now the fact that I possibly have no job, we're basically up shit creek without a paddle. We have two car payments and rent and we're trying to find a new place to live because our lease is up November 1st. Oh great. This is just fantastic.
Reason #4 That Life Sucks:
I'm pouting that we're not engaged yet. He's told me it's coming soon and that I just need to be patient but I really want to be engaged. Why? So I can officially plan our wedding and have something exciting to look forward to. This past year has been pretty much Suckfest 2010 and I'd like something cheery in life.
Reason #5 That Life Sucks:
I'm depressed. I've been depressed for the past year. Luckily, I've had plenty to keep me busy and not depressed. However, now with all the other depressing stuff going on, I'm blatantly depressed. Like, went home "sick" from work yesterday because I was just too depressed to function. I literally feel myself crumbling inside. I had a mental breakdown last week over swimming. I would normally call this PMS but I've been so stressed and depressed that I haven't even had a period to give me PMS in the past 7 weeks. So...basically, it's just awesome around here. I've been trying to draw or design to ease my stress and cheer me up but I have no creativity right now.
If you're still reading by this point I am most impressed because even I have become bored with myself. Sorry for the pity party, it's just that sometimes life sucks and you're entitled to one. Just one though. I've met my pity party quota for the next 6 months.
Reason # 1 That Life Sucks:
I hate my job. This is no shocker, as I've hated my job for the past 2 months that I've had it. The real kick in the nuts is that I don't have my job after this Saturday. Why you ask? I stepped down, however, I stepped down after being given two options 1) stay at the store, pull a 180 and completely change my "leading techniques" and "lack of authority" (aka be a raging bitch of a tyrant like my supervisor and manager) or 2) step down. Gee, what would you pick? So, I stepped down and was told I would be transferred back to my old store starting September 19th. Kick in the nuts number two? My old store says they'll "transfer me when the time is right"...um...that's not what I was told. So, as it stands, as of Sunday I am unemployed? I don't really know. I guess I'm technically employed there still, I just don't have any scheduled hours.
Reason #2 That Life Sucks:
So, I took the position as ops senior at my new store. The position opened up at my old store. I applied, after 2 weeks I hadn't even gotten a call for an interview, which really surprised me. I was under the impression that my old store liked me quite a lot. Well, I guess I was wrong because they gave the position to a girl that I beat out for the spot before without even interviewing me. I really don't understand what happened. I mean, I decided I didn't want the position but I'm still hurt they didn't even interview me. And also I'm still pretty pissed about not getting transferred back.
Reason #3 That Life Sucks:
We're broke. I mean...really broke. After Manuel's suspension and now the fact that I possibly have no job, we're basically up shit creek without a paddle. We have two car payments and rent and we're trying to find a new place to live because our lease is up November 1st. Oh great. This is just fantastic.
Reason #4 That Life Sucks:
I'm pouting that we're not engaged yet. He's told me it's coming soon and that I just need to be patient but I really want to be engaged. Why? So I can officially plan our wedding and have something exciting to look forward to. This past year has been pretty much Suckfest 2010 and I'd like something cheery in life.
Reason #5 That Life Sucks:
I'm depressed. I've been depressed for the past year. Luckily, I've had plenty to keep me busy and not depressed. However, now with all the other depressing stuff going on, I'm blatantly depressed. Like, went home "sick" from work yesterday because I was just too depressed to function. I literally feel myself crumbling inside. I had a mental breakdown last week over swimming. I would normally call this PMS but I've been so stressed and depressed that I haven't even had a period to give me PMS in the past 7 weeks. So...basically, it's just awesome around here. I've been trying to draw or design to ease my stress and cheer me up but I have no creativity right now.
If you're still reading by this point I am most impressed because even I have become bored with myself. Sorry for the pity party, it's just that sometimes life sucks and you're entitled to one. Just one though. I've met my pity party quota for the next 6 months.
28 August 2010
Letting My Praying Knees Hit the Floor
Hi Kids,
I'm in need of lots of prayer right now. Let's just say, life is not going exactly as I had hoped. Before, I get to the bad stuff I do have some good stuff. I applied for a job last week and got a reply on it. I had to go take an assessment on Wednesday, I passed with flying colors and now I have an interview on Tuesday. Please pray that I get this position. It would be closer to home, a fixed income (it's salary), and more money altogether. It's really important that I get this job. I really need to save the money that I'm spending on gas and upkeep for my car and I need to earn more money. Now for the bad news:
Last week, Manuel got mandated, those of you unfamiliar with how the correctional system works, here's the gist. Basically, they have to have so many people working at all times, if someone calls off then someone has to stay and work their shift, which means working a double. There's a list at all times so you get mandated to stay if your name's at the top of the list. Basically you end up getting mandated about once every few months, because people can elect to stay to earn overtime.
Anyway, last Friday Manuel worked his midnight shift (10:45-7:15) and then got mandated for days (6:45-3:15) so by the time he got back from work at 3:30 ish, he had worked 16 hours and was exhausted so he laid down for a bit. Well, he forgot to take his phone off silent and he wasn't feeling well so when his alarm went off he didn't hear it and just kept sleeping. When I got home from work around 11:15 he was asleep in bed so I woke him up and asked him if he was feeling alright. He wasn't feeling too hot and he was supposed to be at work 30 minutes ago so he called work and said he wasn't feeling well and he called off. However, you're supposed to call off no less than an hour before your shift, so he knew he would get disciplinary action. He did this same thing over a year ago and his disciplinary action was 1 day of suspension without pay. We figured he'd get about the same thing since it's been over a year since his last screw up and he didn't no call, no show, he just called off late.
Well, he woke me up this morning and said we had to talk. Turns out he didn't get 1 day of suspension...he got 15. I tried not to show that inside I was panicking and trying to figure out how we'd make this work. Manuel makes almost 3 times as much as I do. We use his check for rent and his car payment, my check for my car payment and groceries. Like most people, we live paycheck to paycheck and in fact right now it's even worse than that because our lease is up in November so we're trying to save a deposit for a new place and also the money to book the church for our wedding next year (no, we're not engaged, just planning). So, now he's going to miss 2 whole paychecks, which equates to about $2000 dollars.
I just made a spreadsheet of our income and bills and we'll just barely make all of our bills, but that doesn't account for gas money or grocery money, or the fact that we have two weddings this weekend, one being out of state.
So, here's where you come in. We need your prayers. If I get this new job it will help immensely. Also, we're expecting his student loans to come in soon so we're going to use them to float us to November, but it's still going to be very, very tight. So, please, please, just pray for us. Pray that we'll trust each other and be patient with one another. Pray that we can make it to October 22 (his next "real" check) and that we can make all our bills. I know it could be much worse. We could be completely unemployed or homeless and at least we have each other. I know we have great people around us, so please just pray for us.
I'm in need of lots of prayer right now. Let's just say, life is not going exactly as I had hoped. Before, I get to the bad stuff I do have some good stuff. I applied for a job last week and got a reply on it. I had to go take an assessment on Wednesday, I passed with flying colors and now I have an interview on Tuesday. Please pray that I get this position. It would be closer to home, a fixed income (it's salary), and more money altogether. It's really important that I get this job. I really need to save the money that I'm spending on gas and upkeep for my car and I need to earn more money. Now for the bad news:
Last week, Manuel got mandated, those of you unfamiliar with how the correctional system works, here's the gist. Basically, they have to have so many people working at all times, if someone calls off then someone has to stay and work their shift, which means working a double. There's a list at all times so you get mandated to stay if your name's at the top of the list. Basically you end up getting mandated about once every few months, because people can elect to stay to earn overtime.
Anyway, last Friday Manuel worked his midnight shift (10:45-7:15) and then got mandated for days (6:45-3:15) so by the time he got back from work at 3:30 ish, he had worked 16 hours and was exhausted so he laid down for a bit. Well, he forgot to take his phone off silent and he wasn't feeling well so when his alarm went off he didn't hear it and just kept sleeping. When I got home from work around 11:15 he was asleep in bed so I woke him up and asked him if he was feeling alright. He wasn't feeling too hot and he was supposed to be at work 30 minutes ago so he called work and said he wasn't feeling well and he called off. However, you're supposed to call off no less than an hour before your shift, so he knew he would get disciplinary action. He did this same thing over a year ago and his disciplinary action was 1 day of suspension without pay. We figured he'd get about the same thing since it's been over a year since his last screw up and he didn't no call, no show, he just called off late.
Well, he woke me up this morning and said we had to talk. Turns out he didn't get 1 day of suspension...he got 15. I tried not to show that inside I was panicking and trying to figure out how we'd make this work. Manuel makes almost 3 times as much as I do. We use his check for rent and his car payment, my check for my car payment and groceries. Like most people, we live paycheck to paycheck and in fact right now it's even worse than that because our lease is up in November so we're trying to save a deposit for a new place and also the money to book the church for our wedding next year (no, we're not engaged, just planning). So, now he's going to miss 2 whole paychecks, which equates to about $2000 dollars.
I just made a spreadsheet of our income and bills and we'll just barely make all of our bills, but that doesn't account for gas money or grocery money, or the fact that we have two weddings this weekend, one being out of state.
So, here's where you come in. We need your prayers. If I get this new job it will help immensely. Also, we're expecting his student loans to come in soon so we're going to use them to float us to November, but it's still going to be very, very tight. So, please, please, just pray for us. Pray that we'll trust each other and be patient with one another. Pray that we can make it to October 22 (his next "real" check) and that we can make all our bills. I know it could be much worse. We could be completely unemployed or homeless and at least we have each other. I know we have great people around us, so please just pray for us.
10 August 2010
Revolution
Well, now we wait.
I had my breaking point this weekend. I'm not sure exactly what it was. I don't know if it was the 45 minute commute with a stand still moment of traffic for 20 minutes. I don't know if it was the 9 hour shift with a manager yelling at me for something stupid. I don't know it was having to write up a kid who didn't deserve it. All I know, is that I am done with this job.
I just know that this job is not where I am supposed to be. I believe wholeheartedly that God created me to love, especially his children. God created me to be a light, to be positive, to be glass half full and I am not that woman lately.
I've come home the last 3 days basically in tears. It's negatively effecting my relationship. I'm tired and cranky and then I snap on Manuel and he just doesn't deserve it. He deserves a woman of God, a partner in love and a wife in the making. What's he gotten is a girl with 15 minutes of free time and she spends those crying or whining about how she hates her job.
I applied for 3 positions today, but really it's like much more because the applications I filled out are for entire school districts. They each keep the applications for a year and they're for multiple positions. Specifically I'm aiming for a position as a Teacher's Assistant in the special education room in Limestone Grade School. It would be a dream for me. A Monday-Friday, 8-5, full time job with weekends off and a CHRISTMAS BREAK!!
I just cannot do retail anymore. It is destroying me as a person and specifically as a Christian. I've spoken to many about it recently. I feel like Satan when I come home. As a person I value thriftiness and outreach. I hate having to push high priced (overpriced) electronics on people that NO ONE actually NEEDS, they're just standards set by society. I want to invest in people not in big corporations. I want to love God's children, not contribute to the fall of mankind.
I drove to Herscher today to get the district application for the position I really want and I was just struck with this huge God moment. I was on a gravel road in the middle of a cornfield when it hit me. I NEED THIS. I need God, I need to drive to a job right in the middle of his creation. I need to be reminded of him. I need the kids. I was just hit by this overwhelming urge to pray. I turned off my radio and drove the roads slowly, having a conversation with God. I find it no coincidence that I passed 2 cemeteries and 2 churches, all with huge crucifixes along my drive. I could just feel God around me. I told him how I think children are the most precious thing. How I see Jesus in them, because they're so innocent and trusting and they just love everyone.
I went to Starbucks to fill out the application so I could mail it right away. I ended up seeing an old professor of mine who was such an inspiration to me. He was always so encouraging and his devotional thoughts were always right around my own musings. He just spoke a tiny word of encouragement, "may the Lord bless you" and I just felt at ease with it all. Then, as I waited for my coffee, this tiny, precious little toddler started talking to me. It was like Jesus was right there talking to me. He just kept smiling and showing me his chocolate milk and it was so mundane but it was the Lord. It was God saying again, "you're doing the right thing, trust me, it's going to be okay".
I just started crying. I never realized how much God is still so around me. I've been running away only to fall down, scrape my knee and come crawling back to my daddy. I can't wait to see what he does with this.
I had my breaking point this weekend. I'm not sure exactly what it was. I don't know if it was the 45 minute commute with a stand still moment of traffic for 20 minutes. I don't know if it was the 9 hour shift with a manager yelling at me for something stupid. I don't know it was having to write up a kid who didn't deserve it. All I know, is that I am done with this job.
I just know that this job is not where I am supposed to be. I believe wholeheartedly that God created me to love, especially his children. God created me to be a light, to be positive, to be glass half full and I am not that woman lately.
I've come home the last 3 days basically in tears. It's negatively effecting my relationship. I'm tired and cranky and then I snap on Manuel and he just doesn't deserve it. He deserves a woman of God, a partner in love and a wife in the making. What's he gotten is a girl with 15 minutes of free time and she spends those crying or whining about how she hates her job.
I applied for 3 positions today, but really it's like much more because the applications I filled out are for entire school districts. They each keep the applications for a year and they're for multiple positions. Specifically I'm aiming for a position as a Teacher's Assistant in the special education room in Limestone Grade School. It would be a dream for me. A Monday-Friday, 8-5, full time job with weekends off and a CHRISTMAS BREAK!!
I just cannot do retail anymore. It is destroying me as a person and specifically as a Christian. I've spoken to many about it recently. I feel like Satan when I come home. As a person I value thriftiness and outreach. I hate having to push high priced (overpriced) electronics on people that NO ONE actually NEEDS, they're just standards set by society. I want to invest in people not in big corporations. I want to love God's children, not contribute to the fall of mankind.
I drove to Herscher today to get the district application for the position I really want and I was just struck with this huge God moment. I was on a gravel road in the middle of a cornfield when it hit me. I NEED THIS. I need God, I need to drive to a job right in the middle of his creation. I need to be reminded of him. I need the kids. I was just hit by this overwhelming urge to pray. I turned off my radio and drove the roads slowly, having a conversation with God. I find it no coincidence that I passed 2 cemeteries and 2 churches, all with huge crucifixes along my drive. I could just feel God around me. I told him how I think children are the most precious thing. How I see Jesus in them, because they're so innocent and trusting and they just love everyone.
I went to Starbucks to fill out the application so I could mail it right away. I ended up seeing an old professor of mine who was such an inspiration to me. He was always so encouraging and his devotional thoughts were always right around my own musings. He just spoke a tiny word of encouragement, "may the Lord bless you" and I just felt at ease with it all. Then, as I waited for my coffee, this tiny, precious little toddler started talking to me. It was like Jesus was right there talking to me. He just kept smiling and showing me his chocolate milk and it was so mundane but it was the Lord. It was God saying again, "you're doing the right thing, trust me, it's going to be okay".
I just started crying. I never realized how much God is still so around me. I've been running away only to fall down, scrape my knee and come crawling back to my daddy. I can't wait to see what he does with this.
21 July 2010
Trials and Tribulations
Well, I just don't know much these days. I took a job promotion to a store 34 miles away from my apartment. I really wanted the job, I wanted full time status, a pay raise and leadership status, but now I'm not so sure anymore. The new store is much more militant than my old store. My manager is kind of a bitch and my supervisor is her mini-me. They expect me to treat the cashiers like minions and frankly I just don't feel right doing that. The commute isn't that bad, it's just that weeks like this make me want to cry.
I worked 3-close yesterday so I was asleep when Manuel got home, left when he was asleep and got home so late that I didn't see him before he went to work. This morning he'll be home for 5 minutes before I leave. I'll see him for half an hour before class tonight and then I'll get home just as he's leaving. Tomorrow it's the same exact thing. By the time I get to my first day off (Sunday) I will have seen him 2 hours between Monday and Saturday. This sucks.
I'm just holding on til next week, vacation for 10 days.
I worked 3-close yesterday so I was asleep when Manuel got home, left when he was asleep and got home so late that I didn't see him before he went to work. This morning he'll be home for 5 minutes before I leave. I'll see him for half an hour before class tonight and then I'll get home just as he's leaving. Tomorrow it's the same exact thing. By the time I get to my first day off (Sunday) I will have seen him 2 hours between Monday and Saturday. This sucks.
I'm just holding on til next week, vacation for 10 days.
24 June 2010
Unabandoned
Oops, looks like I kind of forgot I have a blog. It's okay though, I need to vent and it reminded me that I have the perfect place for it. So...my boyfriend tells me today that I probably shouldn't say anything to our friend Crystal anymore and I ask why. He tells me that she ran her mouth to his sister and brother in law and told them I said they that don't clean at all. Well, first off, that's true, they don't clean. Second, this is why I don't talk to people. Honestly, wow, I say one thing to her and less than 24 hours later she runs her mouth to everyone, great job. So, they're pissed at me but I really don't care because in my opinion they wouldn't be pissed if they didn't know it was true.
Manuel wants to stay here after November when the lease is up, his idea is to stay another 6 months and save money, however, I would rather jab sharp objects into my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I love Mark and Vanessa it's just that if I stay here I'll end up hating them. Manuel defended them and said they've been cleaning more lately, yeah, only because I went on strike a week ago and refused to do any dishes. If they hadn't cleaned yesterday they wouldn't have had any spoons!
Manuel doesn't think it's THAT bad. However, what he fails to realize is that because we don't say anything to them we end up fighting with each other. So, whatever, now they know and maybe I won't have to spend every day off loading the dishwasher and straightening the living room. Manuel pointed out to me that I've had an "attitude" the past few weeks. No, what I've had is honesty. When he told me they were pissed at me I said "okay, whatever, it's still true". That apparently is an attitude. To me, that is just being honest. I really wish he would just stick up for himself when it comes to them. Now I look like the bad guy even though he completely agrees with what I said.
Manuel wants to stay here after November when the lease is up, his idea is to stay another 6 months and save money, however, I would rather jab sharp objects into my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I love Mark and Vanessa it's just that if I stay here I'll end up hating them. Manuel defended them and said they've been cleaning more lately, yeah, only because I went on strike a week ago and refused to do any dishes. If they hadn't cleaned yesterday they wouldn't have had any spoons!
Manuel doesn't think it's THAT bad. However, what he fails to realize is that because we don't say anything to them we end up fighting with each other. So, whatever, now they know and maybe I won't have to spend every day off loading the dishwasher and straightening the living room. Manuel pointed out to me that I've had an "attitude" the past few weeks. No, what I've had is honesty. When he told me they were pissed at me I said "okay, whatever, it's still true". That apparently is an attitude. To me, that is just being honest. I really wish he would just stick up for himself when it comes to them. Now I look like the bad guy even though he completely agrees with what I said.
07 May 2010
AHHHHHHHH!!
Okay, I'm seriously on the verge of a nervous breakdown right now so I'm going to have to vent.
It is 1:29. I have been up since 9:30 CLEANING! I went to the Iron Man 2 midnight showing last night with Manuel and our friends and it was great but we got in a fight and stayed up til 5:30 arguing. Basically, he's so selfish sometimes and then he always blames it on me. I got upset because he's on midnights now, and I get 2 nights a week to actually go to bed with him and he stayed up playing video games and by the time he came to bed I was asleep. I woke up when he asked me for a goodnight kiss and I told him no because I was pissed. Then he says "whatever" and rolls over. He KNOWS he screwed up, but instead of apologizing he just says whatever and sleeps it off. I however was up til 5 arguing with him because unlike him, I can't just go to bed when I'm angry. So, even though I've had four hours of sleep and I'm still pissed because he didn't even listen to me I got up this morning and cleaned because my family is coming and is seeing our townhouse for the first time.
Okay, so what time did Manuel get up? Oh yeah, that's right...1 o'clock. He then proceeds to get on the SAME game that started our fight last night and not even kiss me good morning or tell me he loves me, he just says "hey" as he walks past me to the computer. So, I ask him if he's seen the bathroom which I worked really hard to clean and he says no, but then eventually looks at it and mumbles that it looks good before he goes downstairs to get breakfast. So, let's trace priorities 1) Sleep 2) Video games 3) Food and then there's me trailing somewhere at the bottom of the list.
So, I go downstairs eventually and ask him if he's going to help me clean the living room and kitchen which are both littered with the belongings and dishes of his sister and brother in law. He says he will and then I complain that all I do is clean up after everyone else and I'm tired of it. His advice? "Well then don't" Right Manuel, it's that easy, the house is a FUCKING DISASTER AREA and my FAMILY'S COMING TONIGHT and I should just leave it???? NOOOOO! And then HE yells at ME for bitching about the fact that I clean everything all the time by myself, and tells me that he doesn't want to hear it and neither does Mark (his brother in law). Seriously??!? Why the FUCK would I care how I make Mark feel when he can't even put down HIS video game and clean up his dishes from YESTERDAY!?!? Seriously, his sister and brother in law are fucking slobs and can't clean up one damn thing.
Now, his brother in law Mark has been up since 11 and what has he done? Oh yeah, that's right. He got the ironing board out to iron a shirt, then left it in the middle of the kitchen and started playing video games and that's where he still is. Seriously, I've had to walk in front of him at least 5 times to pick up HIS shit and he still can't stop playing for 10 minutes to help clean up HIS mess.
I'm done. Seriously done. Graduation is already stressful enough with the constant reminder that my mom's not here. And now I have to deal with this bullshit and I'm done. If I clean one more thing I will be furious all day and miserable, so I give up. They can all go fuck themselves. I'm not cleaning one more damn thing. I swear to God if this house is still a mess tonight I will kill my boyfriend. He should know by now that I'm pissed and his only redemption at this point is to clean the house for me so I don't go Lizzie Borden on these bitches.
It is 1:29. I have been up since 9:30 CLEANING! I went to the Iron Man 2 midnight showing last night with Manuel and our friends and it was great but we got in a fight and stayed up til 5:30 arguing. Basically, he's so selfish sometimes and then he always blames it on me. I got upset because he's on midnights now, and I get 2 nights a week to actually go to bed with him and he stayed up playing video games and by the time he came to bed I was asleep. I woke up when he asked me for a goodnight kiss and I told him no because I was pissed. Then he says "whatever" and rolls over. He KNOWS he screwed up, but instead of apologizing he just says whatever and sleeps it off. I however was up til 5 arguing with him because unlike him, I can't just go to bed when I'm angry. So, even though I've had four hours of sleep and I'm still pissed because he didn't even listen to me I got up this morning and cleaned because my family is coming and is seeing our townhouse for the first time.
Okay, so what time did Manuel get up? Oh yeah, that's right...1 o'clock. He then proceeds to get on the SAME game that started our fight last night and not even kiss me good morning or tell me he loves me, he just says "hey" as he walks past me to the computer. So, I ask him if he's seen the bathroom which I worked really hard to clean and he says no, but then eventually looks at it and mumbles that it looks good before he goes downstairs to get breakfast. So, let's trace priorities 1) Sleep 2) Video games 3) Food and then there's me trailing somewhere at the bottom of the list.
So, I go downstairs eventually and ask him if he's going to help me clean the living room and kitchen which are both littered with the belongings and dishes of his sister and brother in law. He says he will and then I complain that all I do is clean up after everyone else and I'm tired of it. His advice? "Well then don't" Right Manuel, it's that easy, the house is a FUCKING DISASTER AREA and my FAMILY'S COMING TONIGHT and I should just leave it???? NOOOOO! And then HE yells at ME for bitching about the fact that I clean everything all the time by myself, and tells me that he doesn't want to hear it and neither does Mark (his brother in law). Seriously??!? Why the FUCK would I care how I make Mark feel when he can't even put down HIS video game and clean up his dishes from YESTERDAY!?!? Seriously, his sister and brother in law are fucking slobs and can't clean up one damn thing.
Now, his brother in law Mark has been up since 11 and what has he done? Oh yeah, that's right. He got the ironing board out to iron a shirt, then left it in the middle of the kitchen and started playing video games and that's where he still is. Seriously, I've had to walk in front of him at least 5 times to pick up HIS shit and he still can't stop playing for 10 minutes to help clean up HIS mess.
I'm done. Seriously done. Graduation is already stressful enough with the constant reminder that my mom's not here. And now I have to deal with this bullshit and I'm done. If I clean one more thing I will be furious all day and miserable, so I give up. They can all go fuck themselves. I'm not cleaning one more damn thing. I swear to God if this house is still a mess tonight I will kill my boyfriend. He should know by now that I'm pissed and his only redemption at this point is to clean the house for me so I don't go Lizzie Borden on these bitches.
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